Pretentious
by Rabbit is Rich
Summary: A friend of Stacy and Jay's for 5 years, Lily can't understand what she ever did to deserve Tony's bullying. No stranger to complex feelings for the trio of skaters, she wants decide what each really means to her, once and for all.
1. Not the Nicest of Meetings

"That's right," he spat, giving me a shove in the shoulder. "Run home to your fuckin' mommy."

The way he sneered, I could tell that his words were poised to create optimum impact with me. His little gang just stood behind him, waiting to see where he was going with the crack about my mother.

"Or is she too drunk to handle you?"

There was the ever-cliché low 'ooh' from his group, but they got quiet as the sting of the remark settled in. He seemed pleased with himself, crossing his arms across his chest and smiling. I could feel anger building in me, the dead give away being the lightheaded blushing sensation that washed over my face.

Unthinkingly, I charged him with outstretched arms; I knew full well I couldn't throw a punch decent enough to take him down, so knocking him down seemed my best way out. He stumbled back into his little pack of friends and fell when they didn't catch him.

"I have always fucking hated you, Tony," I said, still clenching my fists. Surprising him had been my only hope of not getting my stumbling over my own feet.

He just sat there on the ground for a moment before starting to laugh; "Aw, look at 'er, she's gonna cry…"

None of his friends were laughing; there was a difference in ribbing someone, even going too far, and saying things that were totally out of line. It was no secret that many of their parents hit the bottle a little too much, too. It was the way a lot of people were at the time, if they had the money to afford alcohol. Tony's parents were never even there, so attacking my mom who at least fed me seemed a little strange.

"At least my parents can afford food," I shot back, not feeling proud of myself in the least for going back and forth in the immature fight with him. He tightened his mouth into a straight line, but remained on the ground.

"This is getting a little heavy, man. Let's forget lunch. There's good waves, let's go, T.A., get up," Jay said with a whistle, pulling Tony to his feet. They turned to walk away.

I'd been friends with Jay and Stacy for five years, since I'd moved out there. Tony had always had something against me, from the start. I'd never even done anything to him, but he'd had some sort of vendetta against me from the first time we met. We just didn't mesh.

"Fuck her anyways," Tony mumbled, walking off.

"Sorry, Lil, he's an ass," Stacy said with a shrug. "There's not much anyone can say."

He was right, regretfully. There was just nothing to be said or done about Tony Alva's poisonous attitude. It would probably never change, even if someone knocked him on his ass.

"It's okay," I said, returning his shrug. "Go surf; I'll catch you and Jay at the party, later."

He exchanged an apologetic glance with me; "I feel kinda bad leaving you out… I mean we had plans for eating and all that…"

Ever considerate one, it was no surprise that Peralta felt bad about what had happened. Jay was much more carefree about everything and very little bothered him. Stacy was more likely to regret the unpleasantness of the situation.

"Nah," I shook my head. "It's cool. Go, have fun. I'll see you."

Inside, I wanted him and Jay to come and hang with me versus surfing and skating all day with that bastard, but I'd known them long enough to know that asking them to give up doing that would piss them off royally. It was an unspoken code.

"If you're sure," he said, giving my arm a pat. "I'll swing by the party later and try to find you."

With that, we split up, going our separate ways for a while. I had the afternoon to kill, so I decided to sneak in a little surfing of my own. The boys surfed the Cove, which was a little too rough for me. I enjoyed the calmer, less dangerous waves of the beach. That was too easy for the guys, though. They said that there was no challenge in it. I wasn't half the surfer Jay was; he seemed to pull ahead of the rest of the guys a little.

The waves were fairly decent; I had a good time. It calmed my nerves after the whole Alva incident.

Soon, though, it was time to go home and get dressed for the party. This guy in town was throwing a house party and it was open invitation. I always tagged along to those kinds of things, usually ending up hanging around with the other mellow people, outside.

Tonight was no different, really. The music was loud and the house dark, beer and pot getting distributed left and right. That wasn't really my bag; when and if I drank, I only drank a little. I just never got a very good taste for it, I guess. I just wandered around, greeting the people I knew. That wasn't many people, but I was still having a good time.

"Hey," a familiar voice shouted next to my ear, and an arm was thrown around my shoulders. "How's it going, Lily?"

Jay stood beside me, a red plastic cup in one hand, smiling. He was always a little more of a party animal than anyone I knew of.

"Great, you?" I yelled back, over the music.

"Perfect," he replied in the same loud tone. Then he said something I couldn't make out. Sounded like 'let's get a beer'.

"What?" I called back. He repeated it but it was so damned indistinct.

"I said," he got closer to my ear, "Tony is here."

Ah. There was his message, loud and clear. It was even emphasized by the subject standing a little ways behind him, chatting up some girl. Jay's warning served no real purpose; I suppose he just wanted me to know.

"Thirsty?" He shoved his drink at me, spilling some on my blouse. I pushed it back towards him and made my way to the door, where he did not follow. I suddenly remembered why I hated going to those things. Nothing good ever came of them, really.

I looked around, standing on the front porch; a few couples were making out here and there, a few random people smoking. No Stacy, not even a Sid. No one I knew at all. This was going to shape up to be a long night.


	2. Weigh the Choices

I stood around the outside of the house watching the action, hoping that someone I knew would happen upon me. It didn't happen for quite some time, though, and I stood there, sipping my drink. I was keeping to something nonalcoholic that night. I just wasn't in the partying mood, and I weighed whether sticking around was even worth it; there was nothing to really keep me there, but at the same time, no where to go if I left. Neither option had me jumping for joy.

Sooner or later, Sid and Stacy showed up; a two for one deal. Stacy was just dropping Sid off seeing as how his parents probably wouldn't have dumped him in a place that seedy looking.

"Hey," Sid said with a small wave. "Good party?"

Poor Sid; he was such a socially awkward guy. He was very well liked, though. He was one of the dorkier kids, so he made it adorably hard not to like him. He was just part of the background, but one of the parts you noticed when it wasn't around. He was our communal little brother.

"It's okay," I shrugged. "Jay and Tony are inside." Stacy caught why I'd mentioned Tony, too.

"Ah, cool," Sid said, wobbling a little. "Gonna go check it out." He headed inside, where I was stubbornly still refusing to go.

"So, uh, you saw Tony, I take it?" Stacy asked, taking a seat on the porch railing beside me. He was dressed strangely for the occasion; a mildly dressed button up and a pair of khakis. He puzzled me, wearing that kind of getup to a house party. It was somewhat of a feat that he wasn't regarded as nerdy. In reality, many of the neighborhood girls had a thing for Stacy, as they did for Jay and Tony, as well. Skating was an instant chick magnet, Jay had told me once.

"Saw, yes. Interacted with? No. Jay tipped me off that he was here and… well, here we sit," I motioned a small circle around myself. He laughed.

"Just going to sit here all night?" He asked this like it was a bad idea. I'd been rather keen on the idea of never leaving the safety of my spot. It wasn't loud, it didn't stink of pot and booze, it was clean… the pluses outweighed the minuses.

"Maybe," I shrugged, smiling a little.

"No point in being alone, you know?" He said, shoving his hands into his pockets as he jumped down. "Wanna hang out for a while?"

I considered it. It would be better than sitting there, alone, but at the same time, I'd never been much for one on one time with Stacy. Jay I hung out with all the time, in groups or alone, but never so much Stacy, for whatever reason. Jay's mother and mine had always been fairly good friends since we'd moved, so I suppose that at twelve, our interaction may have been forced at first.

"I dunno," I said, trying not to seem rude. "I was supposed to crash at Jay's tonight. My mom's out of town."

She traveled on business a lot and, regardless of the fact that I was seventeen, I didn't like to stay alone. I stayed at Jay's house quite often, and that night was one of the nights I was to do so. Stacy frowned slightly.

"Well, I can drop you off there after a while," he said, brightening up a little. "You know he'll be partying here for a while."

Logical enough.

"I'll go tell him I'll catch him later and then we'll go, okay?" I told him, turning to go inside. Once there, it took me a minute to find Jay. When I did, I almost wished I hadn't.

"Fuck _you_, man," Jay yelled, standing in a small circle that had cleared in the middle of the house. Standing with him was another guy, a good foot or two taller than him. It was obviously an aggressive situation. The music had stopped and people had gathered.

"You need to keep your hands to yourself and off my girl before you get your little punk ass whipped," the guy threatened him. He was muscular and obviously a little buzzed. Be that as it may, challenging Jay was the stupidest thing anyone could ever do. Granted, Jay might've gotten his ass kicked sometimes, but he never backed down from anything.

"I didn't touch your girl, man. She was all over me, but I didn't touch _that_," Jay said with a bitter laugh. As I later came to find out, the girl in question was, in fact, all over Jay, and he did, in fact, tell her that he wasn't interested. This was only due to the fact that he was pissed that she was in his personal space when he was talking Zephyr business with T.A. and some other guys.

"Bullshit! Why would she be all over you?" The guy demanded, angrily.

"Listen, bro," Jay said, getting visibly angry, too. "I _said_ I didn't touch her. Ask my boys. I could do better than that, any given night."

"Fuck you," the guy said, pushing him. Jay pushed back and a small fight broke out. It didn't last long, though. Tony pulled Jay off with some good deal of effort and the guy had mainly given up trying after one punch and noticing that Jay wasn't going to stop pawing at him. Neither of them really wanted to fight, but it was more of a territorial issue.

"Fuck it," Jay said, spitting on the ground. "I'm going home."

I had to walk fast and push through a few people to get to him, but I grabbed his shoulder, prompting him to turn around and scream "what?!" in my face.

"It's me," I said, rubbing his arm. "Calm down."

"Sorry, Lil," he said, a little more calm. "Fucker got me all would up…"

"Let's go home, then, okay? I'll go too, we'll get some food or something," I told him, jerking a thumb towards the door. At the moment, I'd forgotten about Stacy waiting for me on the porch and our plans of eating.

"Nah, I don't wanna drag you home if you aren't done partying for the night," he said, somewhat apologetically. Little did he realize I'd been done partying since I waltzed in.

"No, 'sokay. I'll go," I reassured him. He nodded and we made our way to the porch, where Stacy stood, looking around awkwardly. It was then that I realized the double booking I'd done.

"I gotta take a leak and I'll be right back," Jay said, jumping down the three steps on the porch. Stacy watched him pass, curiously looking at his bloody lip.

"There was an incident," I explained vaguely. "I'm thinking I should probably get him home and taken care of…"

He threw me a disappointed look and took an annoyed tone; "Can't Jay take care of him_self_?"

It would be nice if I could've assumed Jay wouldn't do anything stupid if he went home alone, but he was wired. I'd bailed him out of many messed up situations, and it had become my niche over time.

"No, not really," I shook my head. "He needs me there." He rolled his eyes.

It took him a second to respond; he seemed to be biting his tongue about something.

"Okay, whatever," he sighed. "Maybe we can do something tomorrow or something." I felt bad, but I couldn't place why. Perhaps it was because I was told by quite a few people over the years that I'd picked Jay over them. When I was thirteen, I was a social pariah because I chose to skate over shopping, and chose Jay over befriending the popular group. See, Stacy was acceptable by their standards, even then. He was quite the pretty boy. They had said Jay never bathed.

"I'm sorry, Stace," I said, giving him a quick hug. "I'll call you tomorrow or come by the shop, okay?"

"That's if you don't have your hands full with keeping Jay in repair, yeah?" He said, a little too bitterly for my taste. Since when did he have claim to my time?

"Listen, I said I'm sorry. I want to hang out with you, but Jay needs me. I have to go," I said, noticing Jay standing at the bottom of the sidewalk, teetering from one foot to the other.

"Goodnight, Lily," Stacy said in a softer tone.

"Night."

I thought the party was going to mold it into a long night. I guess it's true what they say, "Ignorance is bliss." I truly was ignorant as to how long that night was going to turn out to be.


	3. Back on Track

"Hope I didn't ruin your plans or anything," Jay said, stretching out on his bed. The unconcerned tone in his voice let on that he was merely offering this hope as an extension of courtesy rather than being truly worried about it. We were both used to the fact that I gave up a lot to watch out for him.

"Nah, I can always hang with Stacy some other time," I told him, flopping down beside him. He sat up against the wall and looked at me, with a yawn.

"So what's it between you all anyways? Sexual tension and that shit," he said with a light smile. I wriggled a little uncomfortably. I'd been entertained by the slight banter Stacy and I had lately, but I'd not really moved into a stage where I considered it visible to anyone else, let alone sexual tension. Flirting is one of those things that I just assumed was a natural progression of what Stacy and I had been over the last five years. Even Jay and I had always had some level of flirtation going, as that was what was in his personality. There wasn't anything between us.

I'll be forthright and say I'd entertained the possibility of something with quite a few different guys on the team at some given point. Could anyone blame me? A lot of Zephyr boys were quite handsome. Still, the idea of something with either of the ones so close to me left me feeling a little weird.

"I don't think so," I scoffed, "Wouldn't I notice if there was sexual tension between us?"

He laughed a little; "I think you've noticed, Lil. You're not stupid."

I got a little nervous and did a small mental rundown of any coy behavior Stacy and I'd exchanged. There wasn't much, and it didn't seem all that relevant. Jay was probably blowing things out of proportion. It was just his flavor of the week as far as drama went.

"Jay, I'd say _we_ have more sexual tension than Stacy and me," I laughed. He looked at me weirdly for a brief awkward moment, but he ended up laughing.

"I've been known to create sexual tension with anything that crosses my path," he smiled to himself, "Just that damn good."

He was always so arrogant.

"Tamryn say the same thing?" I joked, talking about his girlfriend. They hadn't been together longer than a few weeks, but she was his thing at he moment. He got quiet and looked away.

"Uh, we're not together anymore," he said with a small laugh.

"Oh," I said, surprised. It was the first I'd heard of that. "Since when?"

"She ditched me for this guy with cash and stuff like a few days ago. I can't really compete if _that's_ what she's in for, but hey," he shrugged, "What's it matter, anyways?"

That was his predictable attitude towards things of that nature. Either it happened or it didn't, and when it didn't, he was still fine. There'd only been one girl he really felt anything deep for, and he'd been dumped by her, too, right before he turned sixteen. Girls usually left Jay before he left them; he was a little intense for most of them. He always told everyone he broke it off first, but I knew the truth.

"I guess it doesn't," I said, yawning. I was pretty tired, already.

"Damn straight," he smiled. "There's no shortage of ladies for Jayboy."

We just sat there for a while, both thinking I assumed. It was eerily silent in the house, his mom having already gone to work. His room was dirty and cluttered, allowing very little space to think. It felt pretty claustrophobic, the room pressing in, him pressing into my side… wait, him pressing into my side?

He'd squished a little closer to me and closed his eyes. He looked so much like a little kid. Jay was like my kid brother, in a much different way than Sid. Sid was everyone's little brother because he was adorably quirky and awkward, kind of fidgety and needy. Jay was my brother because we were comfortable and close and, in his own way, he was needy, too. It was hard to explain.

"Goodnight, Lily," he said, with a yawn. I tensed up a little.

"I can't sleep here," I said with a hesitant laugh. He picked his head up and glared at me for a second before the look turned to confusion.

"Why not?"

"Because," I said, exasperated, "I don't know. Maybe I just better take the couch?"

"I'm not going to jump you in your sleep, Li_ly_. You've slept here before, just stay…" He tugged on my shouldered and whined. He had a point; I'd been sleeping in Jay's bed since I was twelve. It just felt strange then, for some reason. It was probably just my overall mood of the night. Things had been so fast paced.

"Sorry," I said, in reply to his grumpiness. "It's just been a long night." He sighed and rolled away from me, fluffing the pillow under his head.

"It'll seem better tomorrow," he encouraged. It was the last thing he said before falling asleep peacefully. My mind was racked with a little more thought than would let me slip off to bed that easily.

I did, eventually, fall asleep, but I felt like I woke up as soon as I drifted off. I woke up around eleven, surprised to be next to Jay. Well, in reality, I was more like under the arm of Jay. He had draped half his body over me while laying on his back. I slung his shirtless, wiry little frame off me with some effort. He growled in his sleep. I pinched him on the side of his ribs and, rather than a growl, he made a sort of yelp.

"Jay," I whispered. No response. "Jay," I said, louder this time, and again three times. His eyes eventually fluttered a little.

"Mornin', Sunshine," he said, hoarsely. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and blinked at me. "Prettiest thing I've woke up next to in a while, considering the dogs I've brought home." He stuck his tongue out at me.

"You're a dick, Jay," I shoved him. He rolled out of bed and onto the floor.

"I've been told," He replied, standing up and stretching. He glanced back.

"No eyeing my morning wood, hear me?" His usual joke.

I rolled my eyes and collapsed back into the mess of sheets and pillows. I still felt so drained, so tired.

"Still sleepy, huh?" Jay asked, startling me as he emerged from the doorway. He sat beside me and pushed a piece of hair behind his ear. I nodded.

"Then go back to sleep, then," he said shrugging, "I'll wake you up in an hour or so."

"You sure?" I was more than willing to sleep in the overstuffed, broken-in bed underneath me, though it smelled of salt and natural smell that could only be described as Jay. I couldn't decide whether either of those was good or bad.

It took a moment for me to remember that I couldn't afford to go back to sleep; I'd made plans with Stacy. As good as that bed felt and as tired as I was, I was letting him down a lot lately. I groaned, a bit frustrated.

"What?" Jay asked, confused. I slapped my forehead.

"I got plans with Stacy today, I can't go back to bed, damn it," I said, pulling the covers over my head. He pulled them back down.

"Bail," he said, very nonchalantly.

"I can't just _bail_," I scoffed, "I've done that a lot lately with him…"

He shook his head. "He'll live."

"I had plans with him and I backed out to take care of you last night. He seemed pretty mad," I mused, looking out the window.

"Fuck him, Lil. You're like, my best friend. Everyone knows that. You love me," he smiled, very self confidently. It was a little heartbreaking that was so immature looking, smiling like an idiot. He usually had the presence of someone twice his age, but he looked around six just then.

"I know, Jay," I said, giving him an apologetic grin, "but you're both my boys. I have to spend a little time with him, too." I wasn't sure why I felt bad explaining that to him. Perhaps it was in the way his face sort of melted into an unexcited expression.

"Do you like him the same way he likes you?" He asked, seriousness coming over him. I was a little troubled by the sudden change in tone with him.

I wasn't sure I could ever envision a 'thing' with Stacy, but I enjoyed the pursuit at the moment. Wait, what? I enjoyed whatever was going on. I would've rather not called it a pursuit. I didn't look at it as anything, really. Did I?

"Jay…" I muttered. I suppose something following his name was expected, by the look he gave me, as if to press me to go on.

"I guess that sums it up," he said, standing up and pulling on a shirt. He seemed rather angry at the moment, yanking it over his shoulders and putting on shoes hastily.

"I'm gonna go skate a while. If you want to come back later since you're mom's not home yet, feel free. You know it's never locked," He said, not looking back at me. I tried to interrupt by shouting his name, ready to tell him to chill out, but he only countered my attempt by talking over me.

"Tell Pretty Boy Peralta that I said hey," he said, disappearing out the door.

"Damn," I mumbled to myself, falling back on the bed once more, in awe of the continual emotional rollercoaster named Jay Adams that had gone from sleepy and puppy dog eyed, to happy and nurturing, to pissed off and some unnamed thing in less than ten minutes.

I hadn't even said anything about liking or not liking Stacy; I didn't know what to say at all, therefore I said nothing. Funny that they say silence is the better alternative since it can't be repeated.

It can sure as hell be interpreted a thousand ways, repeatable or not.


	4. Questions Without Answers

**Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who is reviewing. It's what keeps me writing:)**

Stacy could be found that afternoon, hanging around the Zephyr shop. That was not surprising, I just hoped that Jay had the sense to stay away a while if he was so mad at me. A pissed off Jay was not a very pretty thing.

"Hey," I smiled to Stacy, closing the front door of the shop behind me. He looked up at me from where he sat on the step between the front floor and behind the counter, tossing me a worried expression and half frowned.

"Hey."

_Great,_ I thought, _this is all I need_. Stacy seemed just as upset as Jay had been, though slightly less angry.

"What's wrong?" I asked, sitting down beside him. He shrugged.

"Just… a lot of stuff, I guess?" He sighed heavily and stood up. "I've been waiting to leave for a while, do you want to go do something?"

I nodded and stood up, too. We ended up in an unsurprising location -- the overlook. It was a beautiful place you could pull off to and see the ocean from a better view. It improved upon perfection. Stacy said he couldn't spare long and that he just wanted somewhere to relax before work, so that's where we went.

"What was up with you at the shop?" I asked him, kicking a rock over the edge of the plateau.

He let out another monstrous sigh; "Nothing. I mean, I guess it's this whole team thing. They're not sure I'm cut out for it since I can't promise them one hundred percent of my time. I guess it just meant a lot to me, you know?"

I felt a twinge of sadness for him. Skating meant so much to all the guys, too much not to make the team when surely all of their friends were.

"Stace," I said, not sure that there were any really good words for the situation, "I'm sorry…"

He shrugged again in that typical 'Nothing hurts' fashion many guys do. I knew, however, that having the biggest dream of your life thus far crushed had to hurt.

"I've been training for so long… I mean, it's not my fault I have to work. I'm seventeen; skating and surfing can't be my life forever, you know?" He finally said, after a while.

I could both understand and not understand what he meant; if he worked hard enough and stuck with it, it _could_ possibly be his life, forever. At the same time, he knew how rare that opportunity was. Stacy was pretty levelheaded.

"Anyways, though, let's not waste our time talking about how pathetic I am," he said with a small grin.

"I'm not much less pathetic," I laughed. "I've got Jay mad at me and I'm still drained from last night."

"Why is he mad?" He asked, drawing circles in the dirt underneath him.

"Nothing," I said, not overly eager to spill to him the big story and Jay's theory of me being romantically attracted to Stacy. "He just wanted me to stay awhile longer."

"Why didn't you?" Stacy asked, half curiously.

"I had plans with you," I replied with a smile that he did not return.

"That hasn't really stopped you in the last few weeks, Lily," he said, quietly. The fatal flaw in Stacy Peralta had to be his ability to sulk without sulking. He never looked anything less than pleasant, even when telling you that you'd been a bad friend to him, lately.

"I'm sorry," I said, brushing his arm, "I don't mean to cancel on you. I really don't."

He shrugged, again. The thought crossed my mind that if he was to shrug one more time, I may dislocate his shoulders. Looking at him, though, I honestly felt bad for having bailed on him so much. I liked spending time with him, however strange the sudden requests for it may have

been.

"Are you sure?" He asked, catching me off guard with the icy tone in his question.

"Yeah," I said, in an almost meek way, "I'm sure I'm not meaning to hurt someone's feeling that I've been friends with for five years. I'm a bitch, not a super bitch, Stacy." He laughed, a little.

"You're not a bitch," he said, smiling at me. "You just feel like you've got to take care of Jay."

That last part took some of the happiness from both of our smiles.

"I know. And I _do,_ Stacy. I do have to take care of him," I said, fully aware that what I was saying made me sound absurd. Stacy puffed a bit angrily.

"No, you don't. This whole thing with him isn't going to last forever, Lily," he said, somewhat gravely.

"What do you mean?" I wasn't even sure what 'thing' he was referring to.

"Think about what the two of you are going to do when things change," he instructed, more gently.

"I don't follow," I said, confused. Stacy turned more to face me, looking me dead in the eyes.

"What is he going to do when you aren't there? What are you going to do when he meets a girl he really cares about and it rubs you out of the picture? What is he going to do when you meet a guy that you want to be with, who doesn't want to share you with Jay?" The sentences were strung together in a way that seemed much less rushed in person. Each one hurt a little more than the last, only because I knew he was right. It was something I tried not to think about, but I guess I knew in the back of my mind that a relationship where both parties remain just friends with the other, but are totally dependent on the other, couldn't go on forever. I suppose I hoped Jayboy would grow up.

"And when are you going to realize that he loves you?"

My mind exploded. Well, maybe not exploded, but I was sure that a small implosion had wiped out my memory of basic speech and math functions. Possibly my ability to breathe, too.

"He does not," I protested, weakly. A confidence grew in my voice, however. "Jay doesn't even like me in that way."

"You're so naive," Stacy laughed, bitterly. "Love or like, Jay has had something for you for like… four and a half years. It's obvious. The amount of time you spend together, the stay overs with each other, the way he looks at you and does whatever you ask him to do… you're smart enough to see that he wants more."

Stacy was feeling unusually bold in that moment, I could tell. He never raised his voice, much, though he did while rambling off the list of reasons that I found hard to believe. Jay was overly flirtatious with any girl that was mildly attractive. I may not have been the prettiest girl in the world, but I did fancy myself mildly attractive.

"We're just friends," I said, in my defense. What a great argument, I thought to myself, very convincing.

"Then why was he mad that you wanted to come spend time with me?" He asked, crossing his arms across his chest. He looked awkward, trying to do so while sitting on the ground.

I paused for a moment, for once considering the next words out of my mouth.

"Because he thinks _you're_ the one who likes me in that way," I said, in a small voice. There was something quite intimidating about Stacy laying out all these questionable and probably circumstantial 'truths' in that way. He gave me a examining look.

"He said that?"

"He said I should've been able to see it, just like you're saying about him. I think you're _both_ out of your minds," I told him, trying to find a way to diffuse the situation.

"Do you like either of us in that way?" He asked, eyebrows forming a worried arch.

There was a contaminant in the water, I decided. All the boys in town were going crazy, looking for questions that would put girls under the microscope.

"Stacy, I just had this fight with Jay, can we just… not?" I asked, a certain pleading tone filling my voice.

"Fight with Jay?" He pressed on. I rolled my eyes; I just wanted to drop the subject. It was far too confusing and only put ideas in my head.

"Over you," I replied, almost mechanically.

"Elaborate a bit?" He asked, still prying.

"He asked if I liked you in that way, I said nothing, he assumed the answer, he got upset with me and stormed off. Are you satisfied?" I spat, a little peeved with being pushed for answers from someone who usually was more collected and polite than that.

"Damn it, Lily," he said, throwing his hands up. "Is _that_ not even a big indicator that he likes you? Or is there a better reason that he'd be mad at you for liking me?"

There was a pause, and he became flustered; "Well, not that I'm saying you like me, but that he thought you liked me because you didn't say that it wasn't true…"

"It's probably time for you to go to work," I said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I just want you to know that I am sorry about everything. I really do want to start hanging out more. You're probably right… I give Jay too much of my time."

I wasn't sure I really believed that, but something inside me really wanted to make Stacy happy at the moment. He was so pitiful looking when he was sad, or angry. It was a controlled anger, which was a nice change from Tony and Jay's brand, where breaking things and fighting were the only way to blow off any steam.

He stood up and offered me a hand, which I took. "I don't want to make you feel… I dunno…uncomfortable or anything. I just enjoy you," he said.

"Hey," I said, giving him a hug, "it's not an issue. What time do you get off today?"

He mentally checked his schedule. "Like… Nine, I think. Why?"

There was yet another party going on in Dogtown. Let's all pause for the absolute shock to settle in. I knew that parties were not necessarily Stacy's scene, but I was probably going to end up going, and if he was going, it would seem like plans were made. Everyone would be happy enough.

"Some chick in Tony's neighborhood is having a party… You going?" I asked, getting into his car. He did the same and nodded.

"Probably, yeah. I think Sid was telling me about that earlier. Will I see you there?"

"Yeah," I said, as we pulled off. "I'm thinking so."


	5. Three Little Words

**  
****I've got several more chapters ready to go, but I'm going to hold out for comments because I am greedy that way.  
****So if you want more, reviewing is your friend. **

This party was going much more smoothly; the whole overall feel of it was much more mellow than the last. In the twenty minutes since I'd walked through the door, I'd managed to see Sid, Peggy, and Jay, the last of whom I made an apology and a promise to that we'd meet up again later, if only at his house. I didn't know why I felt the need to do that, but I didn't care at that moment, either. I was having fun, not worrying about anything.

I spent a little time searching around for the unmistakably head of long blond hair known as Stacy Peralta. He didn't seem to be around, but for some reason, my mood was unshakable. I suppose my inner core regulated it's worry levels when it realized that this was the last party of the weekend. It was summer and school was out, not that the surf rats and skaters went to school much, anyways, but still, most people only threw parties on the weekends. There was an older crowd who did things up during the week, but you had to have an important connection to get into those.

I had just two beers, not feeling like getting overly buzzed. Plus, I wasn't a huge fan of the kind of beer that was flowing there. It tasted more like horse piss than usual. I soon found myself dancing and mingling with the crowd.

Again, I found Jay. He came up, grinning like an idiot.

"Hey Jay," I said, smiling back. He nodded an appreciative 'hey' and continued to dance alongside me.

"Listen, so, uh… I'm gonna be leaving here in a little while with a friend… I'll be back at my place later, okay? Don't wait up or anything," he said, readjusting his hat. There was definitely something mischievous going on with him. I saw that much in his eyes. Still, I didn't have any say in anything or any real reason to ask questions, so I merely nodded the go ahead.

I still tried not to worry; after all, I wasn't Jay's mother or girlfriend, he was a big boy. Something continued to nag at me, though.

I had fun at any rate, though the only person I had to talk to was Sid.

"There's this girl… she's all over me, Lily," he had smiled excitedly. "That like, never happens. And she's got these amazing--" he cupped his hands over his chest. I couldn't help but laugh. He was such an odd guy. He was a good guy, though, and whatever girl was all over him was making his night.

That was all I'd really said to anyone that night. Soon, the repetition of dancing alone grew old and I was ready to leave. It was around eleven when I started heading for the door. On the porch sat the one person I did not want to see, and I'd give any idiot three guesses as to who it was.

Tony Alva sat, looking somewhat pissed off, on the porch. He held half of his face in his hand and didn't say anything. It took me a second, but I noticed that there was blood on his hand that seemed to be coming from his face. He looked up, I assume he heard someone behind him. When his hand no longer covered his left side of his face, I had to wince. He had quite a gash under a forming black eye. Even in the strange, whitewashed glow of the porch lights I could see that much.

"God," I said, not sure why I even extended the care, "Are you okay?"

He scoffed and realized who I was. "What do you care, bitch?"

Ignoring this remark, I realized that Tony might actually need stitches or at least a rag to keep the blood from flowing so freely. I used to beat myself up a lot when I was learning to skate, so my mother and Jay, though that seems an odd combination, had taught me how to dress wounds well.

"You look really hurt… you need to keep pressure on it," I instructed, feeling some odd sense of obligation to help this heartless bastard who'd been awful to me for half a decade.

"Some fucker popped me one, good," he explained, pressing his bandanna to his face. "Think I need stitches?"

My moment of concern for Tony was fleeting. "Yeah, I do," I said, stepping down off the stairs. He mumbled something along the lines of his dad killing him for being out.

"Thanks, Ingram," He said, calling me by my last name. It was the first time he'd said 'thank you' to me in years and it earned me a strange sense of satisfaction.

I walked home to Jay's house, the usual feeling of creepiness of walking alone replaced by the hot summer night's air and the good feeling that had been more or less tattooing itself into me all night. For that walk, I worried less about where Jay was, why Tony had been nice, whether Sid was getting any, where Stacy had disappeared to… it all just fell away.

That was the strange thing about me. I was always a kaleidoscope of different things, but happiness so randomly falling upon me was rare, so I intended to enjoy it.

When I got to Jay's house, the lights were all off. That likely meant that I would be alone, seeing as how usually, Jay Boy would be up and bouncing all over the place if he was home. That wasn't all bad, seeing as how I wanted to sleep.

I went inside and made my way to his room; I changed into his Zephyr shirt and a pair of flannel pants. It wasn't even close to cold, but they were sleep-type clothes, and my body was in need of some more good sleep. The damned bed was so comfortable, as I'd said before.

I fell asleep fast without feet or elbows sticking into me, thankfully. This, as it was the night before, was short lived. It seemed that while sleep was easy to come by, hanging onto it was the hard part.

Forgoing any traditional nonsense of, oh, I don't know, turning on a light or tiptoeing, there was but a warning call of "Arrrgh" then the weight of a body on me. What a world.

"Jay, God," I said, rolling him off of me. Peering at the alarm clock the sat on his nightstand, I recognized it to be half past three in the morning. Where had he gone for hours on end and why did he smell so terrible? One had to wonder these things.

"Not so loud," he mumbled, face down in the pillow.

"Where've you been?" I asked, sitting up. I mentally reminded myself that it was none of my business.

"Out," he replied, groggy. "Sleep now, baby?"

I blinked at him a few times in the dark before switching on his lamp. Jay Adams had never, nor did he have a reason to, referred to me as 'baby'. He writhed under the new brightness and groaned.

"Why'd you call me that?" I asked him, rolling him over to look at me. Dressed only in boxers and a bandanna wrapped around his forehead, he looked rather confused.

"Call you what? Can't we just sleep?" He whined, covering his face with his arm. I grew more frustrated with him by the second with no real cause to do so. I could tell he'd been drinking, which explained what he called me. I guess it just bothered me that I'd given up my plans for him, but he couldn't do the same.

"Where were you, Jay?" I asked, pulling him into a sitting position.

"I had some drinks and went to these girls' house and we all got pretty gnarly now I have this killer fuckin' headache so can I go to sleep, please?" he begged, laying his head on my chest. Jay's definition of getting 'pretty gnarly' was definitely sex. I pushed his head off me.

"You're disgusting, Jay," I said, crawling out of bed. "I'm not sleeping next to you when you've got sex all over you and God knows what else."

I had issues with Jay's hygiene on a normal basis, let alone when he'd been all over random girls. The thought alone was just… washable.

"Lily," he reached for me but came short, "come back to bed…"

"I'm just going to sleep on the couch tonight, Jayboy," I said, grabbing a pillow. He grabbed my hand in his.

"Li_ly_," he hummed, drawling out the 'ly', "I need you. It was nothing, just some harmless fun." Jay could be so damned whiny when he wanted to be.

"Why you mad, beautiful?" He asked, pulling me down onto the bed and whispering in my ear. I shuddered. Everything in me was saying I should stop this, that Jay was very drunk and didn't know what he was doing. Be that as it may, I allowed him to keep it up.

"It was just a little fun. Shouldn't have made me all jealous with Stacy," he said, resting his head in the crook of my neck. The whole situation was progressing too fast for enjoyment, and at any rate, I knew I shouldn't be enjoying it. It was not the first time he'd come onto me in a drunken state. It'd happened quite a few times over our years together.

It boiled down to the fact, I rationed, that I gave so much attention to Jay that getting some back from him, in any form, usually hit home. I had a hard time resisting light advances like kissing and sweet-talk, even when he was drunk.

"Made you jealous?" I asked, pushing him back. I was an idiot to argue with him anytime, but especially when he was drinking. He was stubborn as hell without adding fuel to the fire.

"Yeah," he scoffed, slurring just a little. "Ditching me to hang with that fucker. Could have stayed _here_ and slept in."

He just breathed warmly against my neck. I could smell some kind of bitter liquor on his breath and I winced.

"You have to sleep now, Jay," I said, rolling him over and placing him under then sheets. "We'll talk tomorrow."

He reached up and caressed my cheek with just his fingertips. Sitting up, barely, he kissed my lips softly. Still two inches from my face, he whispered, "I love you, Lily."

I suddenly felt nauseas in every way possible. He hadn't really just said that, had he? I was begging him, silently, not to have just said that. This was a new level of strange with him. Through all the drunken episodes, he'd never said that. He'd threatened to kill me, told me I reminded him of Christmas trees, asked me to shower with him… there'd been any number of things that didn't make sense that came out of his mouth, but he'd never said that.

"You're drunk," I said, pulling the covers over him.

"Fuh-_uck_!" He whined, dragging his hands over his face roughly. "I've been drinking but I'm not… I'm not drunk…"

He was, despite his efforts to convince me otherwise, drunk. I had to mentally separate Jay from his slushy flirtation that he wouldn't remember the next morning.

"Goodnight, Jay," I said, heading for the door. He was still protesting my not sleeping in the same bed as him.

I slept on the couch. I couldn't deal with the thoughts in my mind at the moment. Part of me felt excited when Jay had said that, almost even returning the sentiment. I had trouble admitting that part to myself. The more rational part of me was just exhausted with his antics. The rational part realized that this was what things were always going to be with Jay; a never ending cycle of me vying for his attention and he for mine. We were never on the same page.

Either way, I was going to have to tell Stacy that Jay and I kissed and what happened that night. I dreaded that because, though it seemed contrary to his good nature, I was sure he wouldn't understand why I hadn't left. Then there was that miniscule part of me that had wanted it, anyways.

Confusion, thy name is Lily Ingram.


	6. Choice Made, For Now

**Remember the whole 'comments another chapter, faster' deal?  
It worked! I can have another little something up by tomorrow night if I get some comments.**

Everyone reading and commenting -- Thanks so much. It means so much to me to know what people are thinking of my writing!

I was awakened the next morning by a series of light pokes to my side. I groaned loudly and turned to face the one poking me, obviously not remembering where I was. Jay stood over me, looking much cleaner than he did the last few times I'd seen him. He almost looked like he'd showered. That, though, seemed unlikely.

"Jay," I breathed more than whispered, yawning. "Hi."

Then, and only then, did I remember what happened the night before. Deciding that telling Jay what he didn't remember would only incite panic and chaos amongst my people, I kept a calm face.

"Morning," he said, with a small smile. "Why didn't you sleep in there with me, last night?"

This was my specialty, making up on the spot reasons and excuses for things. I was damned good at it. In the face of pure childlike confusion as was written all over Jay, I had trouble letting my creative juices flow.

"Uh," I stammered, "You were acting strange. I thought you might throw up." He seemed satisfied enough with that answer. I sat up and allowed him room to sit down on the couch. He did so and stretched out a little, resting his feet on me.

"Rough night?" He asked me, grinning. I guess he thought I'd been the one to stay out and party all night.

"Nah, I came home way before you did," I said, shaking my head with a light laugh.

"Oh, really?" He asked, a tad hesitantly. "I was just with some friends, is all."

He was sheepish about his behavior with the girls the night before, I could tell by the flush rising to his cheeks. Jay was weird in that way; he'd usually pretend to be bold and unyielding, but honestly, he got a little embarrassed of himself sometimes.

"You seemed to have had a very good time with these female friends by what you told me last night," I said, grinning somewhat evilly. His flush grew darker.

"Uh, yeah, well…" he paused to look for something good to add in, "Yeah. I did. It wasn't all that good, though."

He was bordering on giving me more details than I needed, I could tell. Still, I sat quietly, determined not to do the same thing he had -- act jealously with no reason for the jealousy itself.

"There was like three chicks, right? And the were _all_ over me… one's face was kinda busted, but the other two were hot. So I was getting really close with this one girl, like she was all over my zipper, taking off my pants… then the other two start making out and I'm like… '_whoa!_'" he paused here to do these crazy hand motions, much to my chagrin.

"And it could've been hot but it was the one chick with the face. So I just uh… did the job with the one chick and her friend, not the one with the face." All of this was explained in Jay's excited, rushed way he always told stories.

I had no reason to feel the way I did, but I had this overwhelming sense of frustration with him. Perhaps I wanted him to remember what he'd said to me, perhaps I'd even wanted him to mean it. In the back of my mind, I knew I just wanted Jay to want me. I didn't want to reciprocate the feeling, just to be wanted.

"Ah," Jay said, breaking the minute or two of silence that fell between his Penthouse Letter of the Month entry of a speech and any response that might have been (but was not) coming from me, "I said too much, didn't I?"

The good, friendly Lily might have said, "Oh, of course not, Jay! Were her tits symmetrical?" But, alas, I was not that Lily.

"Perhaps you should've stopped at how it wasn't that good," I said, shrugging. He rolled his eyes and grinned, throwing his arms around me.

"Aw," he buzzed, "Someone not get any Peralta after she left?" I shoved him off of me with a noise of exasperation.

"You didn't even want me to go see Stacy," I reminded him, some frustration creeping into my voice. He blinked at me several times before thinking of anything to say.

"C'mon, Lil, you're not still mad about that…" He said, working his best puppy dog eyed magic on me. It wouldn't work, this time. I was upset that I couldn't even remind him of what he'd said the night before about me making him jealous, calling me 'baby', telling me he loved me…

But, I couldn't. And I was mopey about that.

"I was being a dick because I wanted you to stay," he explained, still trying to drown both of us in his charm. I'd grown a certain resistance to his ways, you could say.

"I'm sorry," he said, diving for another hug. "I love you, Lily."

The last part of the sentence struck a nerve. I think that, at that moment, I wanted a reason to be upset with Jay, just for him being ignorant. I suppose I visibly tensed up.

"Do you now?" I remarked, sarcastically. His eyes grew wide.

"Whoa, Lily, what did I do wrong?" He asked, taking my hands and forcing me to turn towards him. He didn't even look like he really cared.

"Nothing," I said, sharply. I stood up and headed for his room, to find my clothes. I didn't really feel like staying there again. I'd just deal with being home alone or find somewhere else to crash.

Being Jayboy, though, he followed me.

"Lily Cantessa Ingram," he warned, calling me by my full name, "tell me what is wrong with you, right now, before I stop caring." That was his grand master plan to get me to talk?

"No, because I don't care if you care or not. You're a dick, Jay, you really are," I said, pushing past him with my clothes in hand. I shut myself in his bathroom and quickly changed. When I opened the door, I was met face to face with Jay, who shoved his way in and shut he door behind him.

Great, I thought, now I'm in a tiny, enclosed space with the one person I currently can't stand.

"What in the blue hell is going on with you, Lily? What did I even do?" He asked, getting close enough that I had to sit on the toilet. His bathroom was hardly built for one, let alone two. Standing room for two people meant that you couldn't look anywhere but a that person, as you were literally nose to nose with them.

I looked away from him, gazing out the window with the decorative glass that sat about eight feet in the air on the wall. I couldn't see anything, but it was better than talking.

"Why do you care?" I asked, finally meeting his somewhat genuinely worried eyes.

"Because… you're so damned mad at me…" he said, sliding into a sitting position against the door. "Did I say something when I was drunk? Is this still about the Stacy thing?"

"I was never really all that mad about the things you said when I went to see Stacy," I said, quietly.

"That leaves when I was drunk. What did I say… or do?" He asked, wincing with what was probably anticipation.

"A few things," I told him, realizing that I'd unfortunately opened my mouth too far to go back on telling him what happened.

"Tell me," he demanded, seriously. I took a deep breath.

"You," I started out slowly and steadily, "May or may not have said some things while you were drunk that were out of the norm. You called me 'baby' while asking me to go to sleep, then told me that you loved me, after you kissed me."

There it was. All out in the open. The whole situation wide open for his thoughts and explanations. I had none, really, of my own that I hadn't already rehashed to shreds in my mind. The version of things I was currently trying to stick to was that I just wanted to be pined for, not that I wanted to be with him, and he had been drunk out of his head.

"Fuck," he mumbled under his breath.

I waited patiently, scanning him for a pre-response. Unfortunately, there was none to be found. Just a stone faced expression directed towards the linoleum. I was sure that, if he could have, he would've been burning a hole into the floor.

"I'm… sorry?" The statement seemed to have the inflection of a question.

"I'm not sure what else to say, Lily. I can see why that must've, uh, confused you a little," he said, running his hands backwards through his hair.

"Yeah," I nodded, feeling a little more confident in my next sentence. "I've been thinking, Jay, and we spend a lot of time together… People have said that I take care of you more than I need to, since I'm just a friend." I tried to pose the whole thing delicately.

"By people, you mean Stacy," he interjected. I ignored him.

"And I do, Jay. I spend a lot of time taking care of you only to watch you go off with other girls who you get tired of then come back to being all cuddly and cute with me," I continued. I could hardly believe what I was saying. The way I felt just kind of poured out of my mouth, much to the discomfort of Jay, who sat there, watching me with wide, vaguely hurt eyes.

"Lily," he said, exhaling while speaking, "I-I don't know exactly what to say to that. Mostly 'cause I know it's true, but still… I didn't know you felt like that."

"How am I supposed to feel when you blow up at me because you think I like Stacy, you know? I watch you go after everything that catches your eye and never say a word. I seem a tiny bit interested in a guy who you know damn well would be good for me, and you flip your lid!" I couldn't help but raise my voice at him. He'd been so unfair to me for so long, it had really taken a toll.

"Stacy," he yelled back, "is not as precious as everyone would like to think!"

"Oh yeah?" I countered, hands on my hips.

"Yeah," he retorted. "Pretty Boy Peralta's got a job and a car and shit, but he's no saint, Lil."

"But why do you care if I like him?" I asked, my voice cracking a little. I didn't yell very often.

"Because," his voice got quiet, "Like you said, you've watched me go after every girl and you've never said anything. I've tried, Lily, I've tried to show you that, damn it, we could be something. But my bullshit doesn't work with you. You didn't like me, so you weren't fascinated with my charm much."

I just sat in awe of what was happening.

"Maybe I mostly got over the fact that you were only ever going to be my friend, a very close, comfortable friend, but when you turn around and want to just marry Peralta, it pissed me off. He's known you just as long, and you all aren't even as close as we are."

He balled his hands into fists and rested them in his lap. "The way you look at him… you never gave me a look, let alone a second look, like that."

I was shocked; he looked so angry, yet so hurt at the same time. There was this flash in his blue eyes, the same way there always was when he was mad. He overestimated the way I felt about Stacy and my tolerance for his certain something he turned on around women. I could recall a time that I very much looked at him the way I was supposedly looking at Stacy,

"Jay, you're crazy," I said, shaking my head. "I used to. I used to look at you probably much differently even. I liked you in that way," here I paused to draw in a deep breath, "when you were dating Mary."

Mary had been the girl who was mentioned before, the one Jay really had feelings for. That probably explains why I didn't make any sort of move. I wondered, for a second, where we'd be now if I had.

"Jesus Christ," he sighed. "We're a mess, you know that?" I nodded.

He just stared intently at me for what seemed like a very long time. Slowly but surely, he reached out to rest his hand on my head, running his fingers through my hair. I silently protested, hoping that my tongue would work well enough to call his name and tell him to stop. It didn't, of course. He moved forward to sit on his knees, inches from my face.

This is happening just like last night.

Then, with his usual graceful confidence, he pressed his lips to mine, gently. It was more insistent than the night before. This time, my mind did not flag it as taking advantage of his state, and the weaker part of me kissed back, for a moment.

Breaking the kiss as soon as I was physically able, I rested my forehead on his.

"Jay," I said, pausing to make eye contact for a second, "Stacy…"

He growled in frustration and sat back quickly, smacking against the wall.

"Lily, why?" He said, his voice strained. "You just kissed back and you're still worried about that fucker… I thought you wanted _me_."

My head hurt. I knew that what I just did was terribly misleading if, in fact, I didn't want to be with him. After the whole conversation, though, I wasn't sure what exactly I wanted. Here I had Jay Adams, willing surrendering his tough, careless exterior to me. I also had Stacy Peralta who was far more dependable and trustworthy than Jay, ready to take a chance with me.

Damn it, stop thinking like they're just options, Lily, I mentally reminded myself. These were my friends, my family basically. Boys who I loved as brothers and who loved me as a sister. Yes, there was a potential flame resting with both of them, but that didn't convert them into interchangeable choices. Either way I went, I would hurt someone close to me.

I suddenly felt like the biggest bitch on the face of the earth for even getting involved in the situation at all. I wasn't even sure if I had real feelings for either of them and I was getting far too deep into conversation with Jay not to be sure.

"Jay," I said, feeling as though tears might spring any moment, "I really don't know what I want. You're not like Stacy, but he's not like you, either… Can I even trust you in a relationship?"

The feeling of being a bitch quickly switched to the feeling of being an adult talking to a child. For some reason, it felt like I was using bigger words than he could grasp. I got that a lot with Jay, not so much with Stacy.

Jay looked more pissed off than before.

"Can you _trust_ me?" he snapped. "What is that even supposed to mean?"

I could remember many instances where being Jay's girl would have been a hard situation to have dealt with. He'd stolen Stacy's girlfriend on one occasion, recycled both Stacy and Tony's exes many times, cheated several times, left a girl for no reason quite a few also. Mary was probably the only girl who hadn't dealt with some sort of unpleasantness while with Jay, even until the end he doted on her incessantly.

"You've not been the best boyfriend to other girls in the past," I told him gently, "and I don't want to ruin our friendship over something that you're not going to take seriously."

He looked at me, very plainly in the eyes, and asked in a serious tone, "What if I told you I've never felt like this about anyone but Mary, and even with her, it should've been you?"

My heart caught in my throat; I couldn't differentiate between what Jay was saying being what every girl wants to hear and how truthful it was.

"I think I love you, Lily," he said, pulling close for another kiss. Thank God he had my lips busy because I had no idea what I was going to say, next.


	7. Protection of the Intricate

**Thanks for the comments, lovelies. Here's some more to keep you occupied. Someone also messaged me to ask if this was getting close to the end, and the answer is not even close. We've still got so much ground to cover that I couldn't end it soon if I wanted to. Enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think, maybe even who you think Lily should end up with:P**

It stayed like that, us exchanging an innocent variety of kisses, but ended up with me crying a little during the course of it. Jay didn't seem to mind, though I couldn't control it. He paused in our kisses for a moment.

"So…does this mean you're choosing me?" he asked in a little voice that matched his smile. I couldn't help but look him in the eyes and nod my head.

"I'm choosing you," I said it almost without thinking. It wouldn't register for quite sometime what I'd done, as we shortly after we returned to kissing. I couldn't promise Jay the rest of my life, but I could promise that looking into his eyes and trusting what he was saying at that moment, I was choosing him. Only time would tell how well his word held up. At that moment, I was too punch drunk to care.

I noticed things about him that perhaps I'd never been privy to before; the softness of his full lips and how that contrasted with the roughness of his hands, more like a man's callous with use, in his case from skating, rather than the unused hands of a seventeen year old boy. He ran those hands through my hair and finally settled them on either side of my face.

When we stopped kissing, we more or less sat in awe of one another. It was a strange sensation to be looking at him, openly admiring the way he looked.

"You're so beautiful, Lily, just like the flower," he said, goofily. It was foreign to suddenly see everything he did in this new light, without much reason for it. Moments and words surely could not have already swayed how I was seeing him, could they?

"Jay," I laughed, rolling my eyes. "You're stupid."

"No," he said, solemnly, "I mean it. You're fucking gorgeous." I doubted very little about his words and if he meant them. He seemed so truly behind them. I leaned in for another quick kiss and then realized that we didn't have to barricade ourselves in the bathroom anymore.

"We could go sit in the living room, you know," I reminded him, gently. He looked confused, as though that was a whole new option in his mind. We went there, though, and sat on the couch.

"So this means no you and Stacy, then?" He clarified for himself.

It was the first time I'd really thought of it in that way. I suppose that, in making my choice with Jay, I'd unthinkingly given up my chances with Stacy. That I was immediately fine with, but hurting him, I was not. Was it not just the day before that I was telling him that I wanted to give more of my Jay Time to him? That was going to look great as far as trust went. One day I'm saying that I want to see less of a person, the next day, I'm dating them.

"Oh, God, _Lily_, please don't tell me you still haven't made up your mind…" He pushed, a bit irritated with my silence.

"No, no," I reassured him, lacing my fingers with his, "I have. I guess I just didn't think about it that way. He's going to be hurt…" That last part was more my musing out loud rather than something directed towards Jay.

"And I love him, you know, but that's not your fault," Jay said, trying to comfort my conscience. I wondered if he even had one.

"I kind of told him yesterday that I wanted to spend more time together," I said, blushing a little. Jay looked angry for a millisecond.

"You made the right choice," he said, resting his head on my shoulder. I breathed in and smelled his hair; he really had showered. The scent of sea water and sweat, something I'd grown accustomed to with him, was temporarily gone.

"Why did you shower?" I asked, curiously.

"I needed something to do while I waited on you to get up," he said, tightening his grip on my middle.

It felt strange to have jumped straight to being so comfortable with one another. I suppose I really wasn't all that comfortable to have Jay wrapped around me, but it was new and exciting, so foolishly, I said nothing. There was nothing I knew to say, after kissing him so easily, that would sound right.

"You've got the show today," I reminded him, sleepily. In other words, I was telling him to put his ass in gear.

"Yeah, I know. I have to be at the shop in a half hour," he sighed, laying back on the couch and relinquishing his hold on me. I was grateful for that.

"You should get ready," I told him, squishing a bit further from him. He looked at me, puzzled.

"You're not going to watch me?" He asked, giving me this utterly shocked expression, as though he couldn't believe that I wouldn't show for such a momentous occasion. I just thought it would be better if I stayed home, just this once. I came to as many shows as possible, which had been nearly every one so far, and I thought it would be beneficial if I just took a little time to be alone.

"I'd love to, Jay," I said, half truthfully, "but I really need some down time, you know? I've been going solid since Friday… Mom'll be back Tuesday, I assume, but I just want to chill a while."

He folded him arms across his chest and gave me the annoyed look a bratty little girl might throw someone telling her what to do. Little Veruca Salt.

"You're my girl now, Lily, plus, you're my best friend…" He whined. I'd almost forgotten how painful his whining was to listen to. I wanted to hand him a pacifier on many occasions.

"No, listen, I just really need to take today off. You watch, I'll be the official Zephyr cheerleader again next show," I stood my ground. It was just really something I needed to do. I guess that the seriousness of my actions was starting to settle in, scaring me a bit.

He was angry, but eventually saw that, regardless of his level of persistence, I was not going. He

changed into his Zephyr tee-shirt and a pair of jeans, ready to head out the door. I stopped him, though, creating a barrier between him and leaving by stepping between him and the door.

"Bye, Lily," he said, smiling and giving me a quick kiss on the lips.

"Wait, I gotta ask you something," I said, nervously. I knew that the thing I intended to ask Jay was a highly sensitive thing to ask anyone, let alone a temper time bomb like him.

"I don't want to see unfair to you, but can we keep us quiet, at least for a while?" I knew that I was asking him something that I, myself, would have taken offence at. It's not that I was ashamed of him or that I was with him, I just knew that Stacy was going to need to have his feelings handled a little more delicately than I trusted Jay to know how to deal with.

He didn't look overly concerned with my humble request, though. In fact, he greeted it with

another smile.

"No problem, yeah. Wish me luck, okay?" It was that innocent, naive side of Jay that I knew I was in love with. Whether romantically or platonically in love, I could not say. It was just this overwhelming sense of protectiveness that came over me when looking at that Jay.

"Good luck, Jayboy," I said, moving out of his way. He just smiled at me and disappeared down the street. I felt vaguely guilty.

I spent the rest of night pondering the possible ramifications of what I'd done. I wasn't talking about having asked him to keep mum about us, but rather there being an 'us' at all. I'd said yes to dating my best friend, a relationship change that many couples did not survive, leaving behind a broken friendship. I could have possibly torn down something I'd spent five years building up.

The thought of losing him completely made me sick at my stomach, as did the thought of hurting Stacy. I hoped, in some way, that he didn't honestly like me too much to begin with. Not because I didn't return that like, though. It was more because I didn't want to have him let down too much. I was already going to look like a liar or a cheater of some variety.

It occurred to me that I had never fully seen the way I was treating them; I was still looking at them as options. I'd allowed Jay to think he was in love with me and that I, at least in part, returned the sentiment. I hadn't weighed the positives and negatives before deciding that I wanted to be with Jay. I'd only allowed myself to be wooed by his sweet words and actions, rather than keep my normally level head. I'd royally fucked up by not thinking out how I felt before pulling his feelings into it.

I could never hurt him, but I was sure that someone was going to end up seriously hurt in the messy situation I knew I should never have introduced. My head ached and I briefly decided that I deserved that, though I quickly changed my mind as it became a migraine. No one deserved that kind of pain.

The path I settled on was sailing until the river ran dry; I would try and cultivate a good thing with Jay and foster whatever feelings I had for him until I just couldn't try anymore. The part that worried me was my patience with Jay, which would be likened to that of Job. I made a promise to myself not to put up with the things I normally would, to be a bit stricter with my standards of how he was to treat me.

For now, I was going to have to push thoughts of Stacy Peralta and I being an item far, far out of my mind. I had made a choice, and I was going to try and do what I could with it.


	8. Unravel

**I'm sorry this is so short, but it is a filler of sorts. Thanks to all those who are reading and keep up the commenting, it makes meh happeh. :)**

Four days passed; I was content with my situation with Jay. He was loving and sweet, called when he said he would, and showed up when he said he would. Punctuality was never his strongpoint, but he seemed to be making an effort. It was a side of him I enjoyed. I tried not to let myself get carried away with enjoying it, though, in case it didn't stick around long. I was very cautious.

I hadn't told anyone about us, yet, because I felt unsure of how to. Of course, these things have a way of uncovering themselves. Secrets are simply not meant to be kept. I was naive and chose to believe that we'd become an official item when I said the word. Good laugh, that.

Everyone was up at the shop, practicing. It was one of the days that I'd gone to watch the guys skate and mess around for a while, for a lack of anything better to do. Everyone was taking a break and, in a very irresponsible and almost quite obvious manner, Jay and I had snuck off into the shop and flipped the sign to 'closed' so we could have a little alone time. Now, that sounds like instant make out session, but I assure you there was talking to be done, too. My mother would be in for the next day, having already been home for three, and we didn't see much of each other while she was home that trip since she was going to be gone so much. She insisted upon spending time with me while she could, which I appreciated.

Either way, we wanted to steal a little alone time with one another and used the shop to do so. While there was initially some talking, it morphed into kissing. Not heavy, lusty making out, but the variety that still cancels out all your other senses and dulls your peripheral vision. This, likely, is why we didn't notice the door open on the other side of the shop.

"Skip? Are you in--" a voice suddenly broke Jay and I apart. Like deer in the headlights of a car, we stopped and stared at the person who was speaking. Cliché of all clichés, it was Stacy. Jay looked at the ground with a sideways grin and chuckled a bit nervously. I couldn't move or speak, only stare at Stacy's gaping mouth. He shook his head and bolted out the door.

It took me a second to realize what was happening, for the color to settle back into the world, but when it did, I followed him quickly. Jay grabbed my hand before I got far; "Let him go."

"No," I said, vehemently, "I can't."

I pulled away from Jay and caught up with Stacy, who was headed away from the group of people skating. I got close enough to grab his arm, but he shook my hand away.

"Go away, Lily," he said, coldly. Okay, so I probably deserved that based on what he'd just seen, but I could explain. Wait, I could explain, right?

"Stacy," I said, begging him to listen with just one word. He didn't look like he was in the mood to hear me out, but I persisted. "Please…"

I chased him a bit, him walking fast enough to have me jogging to keep up. I finally positioned myself in front of him, leaving him little choice but to listen to me.

"What?!" He yelled, scaring me a bit. He almost never raised his voice, but I do believe I'd pissed him off to a very high extent.

"Listen to me, please," I pleaded, hoping to appeal to his logical side. He took a deep breath and momentarily stood still.

"Listen to you what? Lie about you and Jay? You should've just told me the truth, Lily," he said, much more calm.

"I never lied, Stacy. We've only been dating a few days," I said, catching my breath. Part of me wanted to rush him with information, just to get it all out in the open at once. I didn't want to risk only getting out half the story before he walked away.

"Oh, _great_," he said, sarcastically, "that makes me feel a lot better. I thought you… I don't know, _liked_ me."

My stomach hurt; this was precisely what I did not want to happen. I didn't want anyone to get hurt because of what I did. If I had my way, I could have both. I'd take from each cookie jar equally and no one would feel used or misled. But, unfortunately, I was still living in reality and people still enjoyed this thing called 'monogamy'.

"I did," I blurted out. I instantly wanted to punch my own face and, judging by the look on his face, I was not the only one. "I mean, I don't know. Jay… I… I couldn't say no. You just don't understand."

He laughed bitterly and gave me a serious look. "I don't understand what it's like not to be able to say no to him, but I see girls who do understand from personal experience all the time. You think you're different to him, but you won't always be." There was a darkness in his demeanor that I didn't like the look of.

"I'm just seeing if things can work between Jay and I… that doesn't mean there can never be an us," I told him, delicately. He scoffed.

"Jay'll hurt you and you'll _wish_ you had me," he said, very surely, "but I'm not going to sit around and be an option for you, Lily."

His last remark stung, appropriately. How could I expect him to do that when he had no idea how long he'd be waiting, or if that day would ever come? Still, I halfheartedly wished that he would stick around as an option for me. Sure, that was selfish and unrealistic, but I wanted Stacy to like me enough to pull a whole dramatic, '_I would wait forever for your love_!' type of things. He was more down to earth than that, though, apparently.

"Stacy," I said, moving closer to him, "I can't leave and hurt Jay." I was trying to clue him in to the fact that part of me liked him but couldn't be with him, but he was having none of it.

"You know, the whole world doesn't revolve around_ you_. People survive without you, every day. Me? I'm going to be fine. Without you, don't you think Jay'd find someone else, too?" He was aiming to hurt me, now, and succeeding. I wanted him to need me, damn it. That had been what I wanted all along.

"I'm going to go. Good luck with whatever you plan to do," he said, walking away from me.

I had just been royally put in my place by Stacy Peralta. In my heart of hearts, I knew that I deserved everything he said for the fact that I was secretly expecting to have two beautiful boys fall in love with me and withstand whatever I threw at them. That did not happen as I supposed it might, but left me feeling guilty for ever treating it like a possibility in the first place.

This was going to be a long road to haul.


	9. The Moral High Road

**Thank you for the comments, my darlings. :) Keep 'em coming, they make me feel loved! Teehee.**

I hadn't anticipated Stacy reacting that way; he was usually a little more reserved than that. It killed me, it really did. That must've been hard to believe because it was my choice that had spawned the whole thing, but it hurt me to see him upset. In a lot of ways, my sudden contract of love with Jay left me feeling a lot like Juliet felt about the whole thing in her day -- rushed, reckless, and unplanned. I knew that what I had done was probably not the best choice, to go into something so quickly like that, but I was giddy and I'd let that get the best of me.

There was nothing to be done about it then, at any rate.

I made my way back down to the shop where Jay still waited for me. He pulled me into a hug, then let me go to look at me.

"He's pissed?" He asked, knowingly. I nodded. "It'll be fine, Lil."

Jay had taken the stance that it didn't matter what anyone thought of us, whether they were hurt or pleased by it. Neither was supposed to matter to us, though I think he knew it would matter to me.

"Jay, he's your friend, why don't you care?" I asked him, a touch angrily. I didn't have an actual reason to be mad at him, but I needed to vent somehow.

"Because this was your choice and you chose. It would be different if I stole you from him," he rationed. He was right, but wrong at the same time. It was my choice, but Stacy knew that I had almost been his, and I knew it, too. But Jay'd been so sweet and so lovely that I couldn't have said no if I tried.

"You're right," I admitted, looking away. He tilted my chin back up to look me in the eyes.

"If this isn't what you want, fucking tell me _now,"_ he said, voice wobbly, "because you're not going to flip-flop between me and my best friend…" There was that flash of anger that flew through Jay's eyes from time to time. I could tell I'd touched on something that he didn't like the look of when I acting so concerned.

"Jay," I said, touching his face gently, "Calm down." Perhaps I should've offered some words of reassurance here, but none sprang to mind. That was probably a bad sign. His face only grew more frustrated and he swatted my hand away.

"Don't tell _me_ to calm down, Lily," he pouted, sitting down on the stool behind the counter. "You're not even denying that you want to be with Stacy…"

I felt stuck, frozen. I wasn't used to the Jayboy who you couldn't just pacify with a joke. He was serious and he had every right to be, but I didn't have an answer for him. So I said the only thing that seemed like it would please him in the situation.

"I don't want to be with him. I want to be with you," I smiled, giving him a small kiss. It took a minute for the icy expression he wore to melt, but it did. I felt bad for what I'd said in a small way, knowing that I was continually digging a deeper grave for myself.

"I hope that's the truth," he said, hopping down off the stool. We went back outside without much dialogue and he continued to skate for a while. They had another big show coming up and Skip was being a slave driver about the whole thing. He loved the team and he just wanted them to do well, but the guys were stubborn and some of them were a little lazy.

I watched for a while, sitting on the sidelines with Tony's sister, Kathy, and her friend Melissa. As could be expected, Tony's dislike of me had somewhat transferred over to his sister. Melissa was Kathy's little plaything, so of course, the hate rested with her, as well. The silence was awkward between us until Kathy finally spoke up.

"So," she smiled, snarkily, "what'd you do to Stacy? I saw him run off." I rolled my eyes. It was a classic opening line for some big, catty, dramatic thing. That just wasn't my bag.

"Nothing. He just felt like going, I guess," I said, giving the answer Stacy himself would respect. He didn't leave things like that out in the open much. She didn't seem satisfied with that answer, though.

"Ah, so, are you and him an item?" Her voice was so annoying. Had I never noticed how annoying it was? When she talked to anyone else, it seemed pleasant enough. With me, it was this plastic, sugary thing that dripped fakeness.

"No, we're not. Jay and I are, though," I said, unsure of exactly why I was sharing that with her. Perhaps it was because it was bound to get out sooner or later and I knew she'd always had some sort of thing for him. Kathy had a thing for a lot of guys, to be blunt. Melissa just stood there with a blank expression, nodding when appropriate, glaring when Kathy glared. She amused me terribly. Both of their mouths dropped open in what appeared to be disgust that they attempted to hide with their rehearsed eyelash batting.

"Oh, _really_?" Kathy said, clasping her hands together. "Isn't that just so _cute_? Jay Adams with…" she looked me over, "Lily Ingram."

"_Very_ cute," Melissa echoed with a laugh.

I could never, for the life of me, figure out what I'd ever done to Tony or his sister. They weren't even avoidant of me, they were just rude and nasty whenever they could manage to be. Civility was lost on them, for whatever reason.

"Yeah," I mumbled, hoping Jay would finish his session soon so we could leave. He liked to live in a dream world where I'd magically get along with the Bitch League if I was dating him. He didn't quite grasp that me having something that they wanted would only worsen the problem, but that was his logic for you.

Jay finished within twenty minutes, though that didn't seem to be soon enough. He skated over to me, popping over the edge of the ramp and next to me. Quite an impressive move that garnered him some flirty smiles from the girls, though they turned into glares when he kissed me quickly on the inside of the neck. I couldn't help but smile inside as the girls scoffed at him snaking his arms around my waist.

"Ready, babe?" He asked, breathy and sweaty. I smiled and pulled away from him. He looked so adorable in this rugged, manly way. It felt good to be able to openly critique the attractiveness of someone that I'd tried to suppress those thoughts about before. Him with his little fedora and boxers peeking out above his pants. It was just messily adorable.

"Ready when you are," I said, hand in his.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the way those girls looked at me. So yes, some part of me knew that looking at Jay's love like a status perk was a bit wrong, but I'd been talked down to by those crummy whores for five long years. A single moment of payback wasn't so much to ask, was it? It wasn't as though I'd thought out the benefits of being with him beforehand, so I decided it wasn't actually wrong.

"Coming back to my place?" He asked as we walked in that direction. My mother had just left again, as I'd said, so I always had the option to make the Adams' house my residence for a while, but then again, I had the option not to. Sleeping in bed next to Jay after the relationship change seemed a bit awkward to me. I wasn't sure how that'd work. It wasn't that I thought he'd try anything, it was just that I liked to maintain some level of ladylike behavior and the two didn't mesh.

"For a while, I s'pose," I said, figuring it'd be a good compromise.

The compromise seemed fine for the night, until it came time for me to leave. I didn't want to walk home alone, so around ten, I asked Jay to walk me.

"Why're you leav_ing_? Your mom is out of _town_…" he whined, pulling me back down onto the couch. It looked like such a cheesy situation that would turn into one of those, 'No, Johnny, let's wait for marriage' scenarios all too quickly. Jay was a patient guy, but nevertheless, he was a 'horny motherfucker', as Tony had so eloquently put it once.

"I don't think I should be sleeping next to you when we've been dating less than a week, Jay," I laughed, ruffling his hair. He looked mildly hopeful for a second.

"So when we've _been_ dating a week…" He suggested, wiggling his eyebrows. "No, I'm kidding, but why not, Lil? You've known me for years…"

He had a point, but I had to decline.

"Jay, no.. I'm sorry, but I wanna do this right." He nodded and said he understood, and he walked me all the way home, which was not very far. Still, I had a phobia of walking around after dark without anyone, though I'd been there long enough to consider myself somewhat of a local. I'd did a fair amount of growing up in Dogtown.

"Goodnight," I said, hugging him at the door. He kissed me firmly on the lips a few times before he pulled my lower lip into his mouth in a bold, sexy move that I'd expect from him. I pulled it back as soon as I realized that my feet were still planted where gravity existed.

"Jay," I smacked him on the shoulder playfully. "Cool it."

"I love you, Lily," he said, giving me yet another hug. He kissed me again, a very vanilla kiss this time. For that, I was grateful. I didn't know what to say, still, to him saying he loved me. It hadn't happened since the first time he'd said it and I had no good response formulated. Telling him that I loved him when I was not sure of it was completely out of the question. There was leading someone on a bit and there was being a manipulative bitch. I was aiming for neither, but nearer to the first if I had to choose.

"You don't have to say it back, I understand," he said, sweeping hair from his face to reveal his sparkling eyes. "I just want you to know."

I was glad that Jay was so understanding, I just wished some of that wisdom might rub off on me, for once.

"Thank you," I said, burying my face into his shoulder. He smelled so good when he just let himself be. That might sound gross, but as I'd said, there was this natural cologne that he possessed and I was hopelessly addicted to it. I always had been.

"Bye, babe," he said, jumping down the three stairs off my porch. He turned and blew a kiss before running off towards his house. I sighed reverently and wandered into the darkness of my own house.

That night, I slept better than I had in ages, alone and quiet. It was an amazing, deep sleep that erased my worries about any boy, anything, anyone. It was probably going to be a long week, but within the half hour of getting home, I was too out to care.


	10. Check, Please

I was correct in my assumption that the following week would be long, but how correct… I could never have guessed.

For the next few days, things were copasetic. They weren't perfect, but this was to be expected. Stacy didn't make any effort to talk to me, but when we were in a forced situation that required he be around me, he was civil. There was actually very little awkwardness between us, almost to my disappointment. I think that, in some ways, I wanted Stacy to be a little less above the situation than he was. Perhaps I even expected him to be more brought down by it. I knew that wasn't evenhanded of me to wish for, but I couldn't help it.

Jay seemed happy enough, not noticing my mild unhappiness towards the situation. He was happy with us and even I had started to enjoy the way he was with me. It was a less playful affection and more of a serious, doting kind of thing. I enjoyed the closeness we had in a new light, though I remained unsure of it all.

The shock at the news that we'd begun dating didn't seem to exist; everyone had seen this coming longer than we had, apparently. 'It's about time!' had seemed to be the general consensus on the whole ordeal. The only person who was to be in the dark about us was my mother, who would then insist I stay home, alone, every time she left town.

Soon, it didn't matter to anyone but me, it seemed. Don't get me wrong, we did hold hands, quick kisses were snuck here and there, as were hugs and squeezes. But we weren't that overly cute couple, running around tonguing at each other and talking about how much we loved each other. We were the same good friends we had always been when we had an audience and saved anything sickeningly sweet for more private moments. And believe me, Jay was sickeningly sweet at times.

Then there were other times that he left me slightly jilted. I suppose that in my state of elevated ego, I'd assumed that I was going to be this major focus in his life. I was a major focus, but for some reason, I'd assumed he'd be a little more helpless and devoted. It should've made me happy that I made him strong enough to stand on his own, but damn it, nothing was how I thought it would be. My expectations were so far from realistic that the reactions of everyone and the things that went on… they all felt like this terrible letdown.

Jay said he loved me, but he never managed to keep all of his flirtation limited. I pretended it didn't worry me and, for the most part, it didn't. I knew that he was the kind of guy who got addicted to a person, but the fact was, there were a few instances that bothered me, a lot. We went to a restaurant with Sid and Tony, who I'd been on my best behavior with lately, and Jay didn't have enough money to choke down the whole check. Instead of doing the usual and asking Sid to foot it, he called our waitress over. Our tall, thin, blonde waitress who'd been giving the boys eyes the whole time we were there.

Don't get me wrong, some competition is good. I don't mind girls who look a few times; it reminds me that I've got something that other people want. Staring him down, however, is different.

"Hey, uh," he pointed to the check and gave her his signature grin, "Any way we can knock this down, just a little?"

She looked at it in utter confusion before biting her lip. "I don't know," she said, mock-hesitantly.

"Aw, c'mon," he said, touching her upper arm. "I'm sure you can do a little something about it, can't you?" I just watched, understanding that he was trying to get us out of paying the whole amount, that he wasn't showing actual interest in her. Sid just kept glancing between Jay, me, and the waitress, wide eyed.

"I guess I could probably get you down like five or six bucks," she said, winking at Jay and taking out a pen to recalculate our check.

"Thanks, beautiful," Tony said, smiling. Tony wasn't attached to anyone, so it was alright for him to make comments like that, whether to cheapen a bill or in seriousness.

She giggled at him and pranced off. No, really, she pranced. Walking is too ordinary a word for the bounce-hop-swivel thing that this girl did, obviously trying to capture the attention of the boys behind her, who she must've known were watching her wiggle awfully closely.

And they were, even Jay.

I cleared my throat, bringing Jay and Tony back to life, though Sid still followed the curves of her body in that pale yellow uniform with his eyes, as she stood there, still in sight but at he front of the restaurant.

"So, uh," Jay said, slightly nervously, "we ready?"

Both the guys nodded and grabbed their boards from under the table where they'd been hidden so they could be allowed into the restaurant. Tony and Sid headed for the door but I caught Jay's sleeve.

"I'm going to go use the restroom. Wait for me?" I asked him, jerking a thumb in the direction of the bathroom. He nodded and I headed that way. The restrooms were disgusting so I didn't linger any longer than I absolutely had to.

When I emerged from the bathroom, I couldn't help but do the cliché, obligatory huff and arm cross at what I saw; Jay and the waitress were at the front of the restaurant, standing rather close, when she pressed a piece of paper into his hand. I was too far away to hear any of what I was sure were juicy details, but I could tell by his faux-bashful '_look down and smile_' routine and her '_toss my hair over one shoulder, look up, giggle_' bit that flirtation was definitely occurring. It made something bubble quite angrily in me. That was my Jay that was flirting with her. We hadn't been together that long, around two weeks, and he was flirting with someone else.

I walked over, timed correctly so that they were already apart when I got over there. There may have been an argument waiting to happen on the tip of my tongue, but not in public. That wasn't my style. I smiled as best I could before breezing past him and outside. Sid and Tony were skating in the parking lot and didn't seem to notice my presence much.

Jay was right behind me, looking as cool and collected as ever. Nice touch, the nonchalant attitude was. The guys were going skating, but I politely told Jay that he could 'Oh, just go spend sometime with your boys, I'd rather go home'.

"Ya sure, babe?" He asked, putting his arms around me. I slipped out of his hug.

"Yeah, we'll talk later," I said, a bit more gravely than I intended to.

"Whoa, whoa, what's wrong?" he asked, waving the guys away. I rolled my eyes; I was trying to avoid a big thing now.

"Maybe it has something to do with what's in your pocket," I said, calmly. He scrunched up his face in confusion, before some light bulb went off in his head.

"I only stole like a couple of the peppermints off the table, no biggie," he said, smirking. "Want one?"

After a minute or two of my unpleased glare being directed at him, he went for another hug, which he was denied. "Baby, it's not that serious… it's just peppermints," he chuckled.

"I meant that bimbo's number, Jay," I said in a sharp tone. His eyes grew wide and he gulped.

"What?" he stammered around the word a little. His bafflement amused me, greatly.

"I saw you take her number, Jay, there's no point in denying it," I said, crossing my arms. He looked almost genuinely puzzled. I reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper; he made no moves to stop me.

'_**Carly**_ _555-6755_' it said, in curly writing.

"Are you going to tell me this is invisible? I planted it on you? What's the excuse?" I asked in a rather accusatory way. He scratched his head and sighed.

"Lily, it doesn't mean anything…" he said, placidly. "You can keep it if you want, I wasn't going to call."

It didn't mean anything, he said. That always seems easy to say, but it's never true. It's cake to tell someone that something you did was in the moment, that it didn't mean a thing. The truth was, you always had to want something for it to happen in the moment.

"Fuck you, Jay," I said, shaking my head. "You're a dick." He tried yet again to give me some affection, grabbing my hand.

"I was trying to get our food free, babe," he said, squeezing my hand lightly. "I wasn't actually trying to get with _that_." He made it sound like that was the most ridiculous idea anyone had ever had.

"You didn't have to go back and get her number after you'd paid," I said, shaking his hand off of mine. That persistently upbeat smile faded from his face.

"This isn't a big deal, stop turning it into one," he said, growing a bit frustrated.

"It's a big deal for _me_, Jay," I said, returning the sentiment with a rising voice. He rolled his eyes and blew out some air.

"Why? I told you I only wanted to be with you. You think I'm going to randomly feel like that for some girl I've met once?" He wasn't happy, but neither was I. I knew the next thing I was going to say was downright bitchy and would definitely hit a nerve.

"You never flirted like that when you were with Mary," I said, coldly. He shrunk a little.

It was one of those things that I knew I'd crossed the line but didn't care.

I was momentarily more mad than I had reason to be, but didn't care.

I knew I was grasping at straws as for reasons to be angry with him, but didn't care.

"You're not Mary, and you probably never will be," he said, turning away from me. I expected some big emotional thing after that small explosion, but instead, he only got on his skateboard and left me there to process what he'd just said.

Perhaps I thought I _was _his new Mary. I thought he'd worship me and put an end to his flirty ways with me like he had with her. I had forgotten all the girls, time, and growing up that stood between the Jay I'd just pissed off and the Jay who'd loved Mary.


	11. Blunt Words

**I saw where the chapters weren't, nor were the reviews for a while. It was very sad! haha. So, okay, guys, I debated with myself about even updating… it's been a sucky day and I'm sick, so it was a bit, shall we say, painful to power through ;) At any rate, it's here, and your comments will be doubly appreciated today. I am glad everyone is enjoying the story and that you all continue to leave pretty reviews that make me happy. So thank you all again. Xo!**

I couldn't stop thinking about what Jay had said; It plagued me because it had been so deliberately hurtful. Of course, what I'd said had been, too, but that was beside the point. Or was it?

I was slowly realizing that I was in the midst of a horrible misconception that people's feelings should always mesh well with mine. Things were not going my way and I felt like a five year old who'd gotten her candy taken away, except for my candy wasn't gone, it just didn't taste as good as I thought it would. I was being a tough disciplinarian, though, and telling myself to just deal.

I figured Jay could only stay mad so long, so I headed to he shop where I assumed he was. I felt bad about what I'd said and what a high maintenance bitch I was watching myself turn into. I used to be able to hang with he guys because I wasn't a crazy, typical girl. I was watching myself change.

"Hey," I waved a lightly to Sid, who stood behind the counter with a broom in hand. "You seen Jay?"

"Mmm, yeah, think so…" he pondered for a moment. "He's with the guys. They're going to tag some stuff down at the pier, I think."

"Are you going with them?" I asked, with a grin. Sid was a touch clumsy, but he always participated in the boys' adventures. Jay pretty much kept him under his wing. He nodded and laughed a little.

"You know it," he grinned, beginning to sweep the shop, though not really paying attention to his work. "As soon as I finish this crap, anyways."

I made my way to the back of the shop where I assumed the guys were hanging out. I was right, partially. Tony and some of the guys I was less familiar with were skating around, but I didn't see Jay. Timidly enough, I asked Tony where he was. He merely rolled his eyes and ignored me.

"Damn it, Tony, don't be a dick," I said, a bit more desperately than I intended. I was just anxious to find Jay and to apologize. Or rather, exchange apologies, as I wanted one, too.

"Oh, wah-_wah_," he mimicked crying, "Can't be away from Jayboy for like, two seconds?"

"It's important," I told him, trying to stress the seriousness of him telling me where Jay was.

"I don't care, it's not like he wants you going with us tonight, anyways," he said, rudely. I really wanted to choke him; strangle him with his own mop of curly hair.

"Why do you say that?" I asked, defensively.

"You can't tag for shit, and he was kinda pissed after whatever happened at the diner, earlier," he said, pretending to be very interested in his skateboard.

"I can so tag," I said, without realizing I'd probably went after the wrong thing first. He raised an eyebrow briefly before giving me a dismissive headshake.

"Prove it then, hot shit," he said, tossing me a can of red spray paint from the ground behind him. I didn't have expert graffiti skills, I was no artist. I was mediocre, but I could still tag fairly well. I shook the can vigorously as per the instructions and removed the lid. The ramp behind me was already mucky with tags and designs, one more wouldn't hurt it.

I wrote my name in plain, upright print and stepped back from it, expecting a nod of approval.

"You call this a tag? It's your name. It's _nothing_," he said, almost angrily, as though he'd expected so much more from me, of all people.

"You're holding the can wrong," he said, taking it from me and showing me how to properly aim it. "You're messing it all up with that one little thing."

"Why have you always been such a jerk, Tony?" I asked, not amused with the wise one's teaching. I didn't like the way he acted towards me, then had random breaks of friendliness. It was confusing.

"You're so fuckin' stupid," he said, throwing the can down. He was so much like Jay in that way; they could be as peaceful as a bird one second, then ready to burn you alive with one look the very next.

"What did I ever do to you or your bitchy little sister?" I yelled at him, feeling my own anger rise. It was a shame we'd spent a while attempting to be civil when it was all going to eclipse into another big fight.

"You just…" he ended the sentence with a noise of frustration. I'd likely never get an answer to that question.

"You're an idiot," I told him, after waiting for a better answer than a Neanderthal grunt.

"You're a stuck up bitch," he fired back. I couldn't help laughing in disbelief.

"I'm stuck up. _I'm _stuck _up_? And you're what, Mr. All Inclusive Friendly Man?" I'd adopted my mother's habit of calling people a sarcastic, spiteful nickname when upset. It was rather embarrassing. He only laughed.

"That comeback was just amazing," he said, folding his arms. Apparently, it had calmed his fury a bit, though it was meant to incite it.

"Why do you hate me, though?" I asked him, almost in tune with Sid as he yelled, "T.A…"

As I suspected all along, it was a conspiracy of the Gods to keep me from knowing what grave wrong doing was still being held against me by Tony Alva and his entire bloodline. Well, the two that I knew.

Jay stood there, though, alongside Sid, without the trademark smirk I'd grown accustomed to. Was he still going to be mad at me, too?

I waited for him to come outside, wanting to give him his space. When he did, I made an uncharacteristic first move and hugged him around the neck.

"Hey, you," I said, gingerly. I knew I was treading on thin ice.

"Hey," he said, pretending like nothing was wrong. I growled in frustration.

"Jay…" I whined, trying to get him to look me in the eyes and know I was sorry for what I said, but that he should be, too.

"What?" He snapped, then more calmly, "What?"

"I'm sorry, Jayboy," I said, giving him another squeeze. He returned the affection, though not warmly. "I know I shouldn't have said it."

"It's not that simple," he said pushing me away. "It was a really awful thing to say."

"I know that, but what you said was mean, too," I said, trying to sound sweet and light about it.

"No, it wasn't! It was the truth," he said, shouting protectively. "You _aren't_ Mary, you're never going to _be_ Mary. I'm not with Mary! I'm with you because I want you to be who you are and I want to be who I am."

I felt small with the way he explained things. It hurt in a way, but I knew what he was saying was the only logical thing to say.

"I said I hadn't felt like this since Mary. I didn't say I felt_ exactly_ the same," he said, standing his ground. I knew I had lost, but I wasn't ready to give up so easily. I wanted to ask, sadly enough, 'why not?'.

"Your world revolved around Mary," I spat, consciously aware of how stupid I sounded. I was lucky that the other guys were migrating off in their various directions,

"She was my _first_ real thing. It's not always gonna be like that, Lily!" He was raising his voice, but there was no anger on his face. "You won't always be the center of my universe. I grew up a lot since her, you know?"

That was one thing that was scary to me. My Jayboy had definitely grown up more than I was aware of.


	12. A Bridge Built of Tragedy

**This chapter does a wee little time skip. It's not that hard to follow, I hope, and necessary. Hopefully I wasn't too confusing! 3**

I stood there, not knowing of any words that would even begin to heal the situation before me. Stacy stood, pale and shaking a bit, in the whitewashed hospital room. I wrapped my arms around him, and it felt like second nature to do so. He hugged back weakly, but it seemed to be to the best of his strength.

Stacy's mother had actually been the one to call me, asking me to please go by and check on her son, that he might really need someone right now. She was dead on with that thought. His father had been in a car accident and was not in good condition. Stacy had been alone all morning as his mother had to retrieve some papers for his father's treatment that were only available from downtown.

Thank God I'd gone home rather than tagging; Jay and I agreed to talk when we both go home to his house tonight. It was one of only two nights I'd agreed to stay since we began dating.

"Is he going to be okay?" I asked, stupidly.

"They… don't know yet. His condition is still critical," he said, trying not to meet my eyes. His were red and were a dead giveaway that he'd been doing a lot of crying.

"Stacy," I said, unsure of what else I could do besides literally offer him a shoulder to rest his head on as I ran my hands through his hair. My poor Stacy. This was his father we were watching lie, unconscious, hooked up to machines. This was his dad. However negligent all of our parents may have been, we all loved them. The thought of someone losing one of their parents was heartbreaking.

I felt small, wet spots form on my shirt. I pretended not to notice that he was crying, preserving his dignity in some way. I'd seen Jay cry, I'd even seen Tony cry, but I'd never seen Stacy cry. We simply sat there, curled up in the recliner that sat in his father's hospital room, him trying not to cry and me feigning my obliviousness while affectionately stroking his hair, for a good long time.

"I'm sorry, She shouldn't have called," he just trailed off. There was little point in what he was saying, anyways. There was nothing he needed to apologize for.

"Shhh," I replied to his attempted explanation. "You needed me here, I'm here."

It took another half hour of the sitting routine for me to realize that, if anyone were to walk in at that moment, it would look very strange. I shifted slight and he took the hint.

"I just don't know what I'm going to do," he said, seemingly adamant that he wasn't going to cry in front of me.

My heart was just broken for him; things between Stacy and his father were strained and seemed to be growing more so all the time, but he still loved his dad very much. It was unquestionable how much pain he had to have been in, looking at his father cut and bruised, hooked up to various machines that allowed him to keep breathing and living. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, imagining what I'd feel if I were in that same situation, watching my mother in that bed.

I couldn't stand the thought of it.

"He wasn't wearing his seatbelt," Stacy remarked, bitterly. I didn't know what I could possibly tell him that would comfort him whatsoever. There were just… no words. We spoke mainly in silence that held a lot of prayers. He didn't seem to be on the same planet I was on, looking around with this thousand yard stare.

After a while, he seemed to snap back into reality and he wiped his face, turning to look at me. "I just… can't lose him. I don't really fucking get the whole situation, you know," it was a little shocking to hear him use the word 'fucking', "I mean, I've done good, Lily. My mom… she works really hard to put us where we are. I'm a pretty good person and then this…"

It was a moment that I was more than willing to grant a person throwing their own pity party. At that moment, I just tightened my grip on him and nodded, knowing that he was right. He didn't deserve this at all, and neither did his Mom. No one deserved that kind of heartbreak.

"I know, I know," I told him, trying to keep tears out of my own voice. "You're a wonderful person, Stace." It was hard for me to imagine why people who deserved good things got handed so much bad. Stacy… he tried so hard. He deserved nothing but good things. But there we were.

"I don't want to stay here all night," he told me, looking at me very seriously. "If I do, I won't sleep at all."

He was probably right, but I wasn't sure what he wanted me to do. His mother was going to be staying over night, she'd already made sure to tell Stacy that much.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked, unsure of how I could help him. I couldn't stay there with him, obviously.

"Can you just take me home, to my house?" He asked, rubbing his eyes. It was growing dark outside already and I didn't have my license, which he knew, so I supposed he meant look after him on the way home and until he got there.

"Yeah, just leave a message for your mom," I said, patting his back reassuringly. I was trying as hard as humanly possible to be supportive, to let go of any awkwardness between us because, well, fuck romantic relationships, Stacy and I loved each other first and foremost as siblings, and the situation called for maturity about the whole ordeal. Our troubles were insignificant at the moment.

Soon enough, we were on our way home. He drove quietly and without any music, which only deepened my heart break and concern. Something so small, so insignificant, I wondered how it could make me feel worse for him.

"We're here," he announced weakly. For once, he didn't open my door, merely going up to the house. I followed him inside and waited in the living room for some indication that I was welcome elsewhere. None came in fifteen minutes, so I went to look for him. He was in his parent's room, sitting on the bed.

"You scared me," he said, turning around with a small jump when he noticed me. "I thought you'd left."

"I just wanted to be sure you were alright," I told him, sitting down next to him. He shrugged.

"You can go whenever you want. I mean, you didn't have to come at all, so thank you." I felt slightly guilty that he was thanking me for something I felt like I completely owed him. He was my friend and a very patient, important one at that.

"I'll stay as long as you'd like," I told him. We both laid back on the bed, legs dangling off the end. We talked for an hour and a half and I did my best to calm his fears about his father. If there was any justice in the world, he would come out of this alive and well. I promised Stacy countless times that things would be fine and that whatever happened, I'd help him. He seemed slightly comforted and soon, his fears were for the most part quieted. By then, we'd ended up in the bed, side by side.

"It's almost midnight, Jay's going to wonder where you are," he said, looking at me for the first time in a while. He'd maintained good eye contact with the ceiling.

Damn it, I thought. He was right.

"He'll be fine," I said, unthinkingly. Jay would understand when I got the chance to explain. He loved Stacy, too, and he'd understand why I was out so late. Actually, I wasn't sure Jay would care. After the fight we'd had and the bitch Jay was being about it, I wasn't sure he'd even have remembered that I was supposed to stay with him that night. I didn't mention that to Stacy, though. It didn't matter right then.

Stacy looked at me nervously and sighed; "Lily, this isn't how I pictured us talking again," he said, brushing a strand of my hair out my face. "And I don't want you to think I'm coming onto you, but I really don't want to be alone."

I knew then what he was asking me to do. I had mixed feelings about it. He was asking me to stay with him through the night, in the least offensive way possible. It wasn't a sexy, sultry request, it was a humble and broken one. I looked at him and, in the same way I was unable to refuse Jay when he gave me that look, I wasn't capable of telling Stacy to get over it.

"Do you want me to stay?" I asked, hesitantly.

"Could you? I mean, I know we haven't been on the best terms, but… yeah," he said, looking away from me. There something in his voice that I couldn't possibly ignore. I couldn't tell him no in the state he was in, with what must've been going through his mind.

"I will," I said, feeling like that was all that really needed to be said about it. There wasn't anything to reply to that with.

"Thank you," he almost whispered.

We continued to talk until late into the night. It was three when he finally said he felt like he could sleep. I took this as my cue and stood up, off the bed. He grabbed my hand and gave me a puzzled look.

"Where're you going?"

I sat back down. "Do you want me to stay?"

"I think I'd like that," he said. I laid back down. I wasn't sure how Jay would take me staying the night, sleeping next to Stacy for the first time in all of our friendship, but he would have to take his own reaction to the situation upon himself.

"Goodnight, Stacy. Things will be better in the morning," I promised, giving him a weird, laying down hug. I let my arm linger there a bit too long, but neither of us seemed to mind.

"Night, Lily. Thank you," he whispered, squeezing my arm.

We slept back to back, though I could tell he didn't sleep very well. He tossed and turned, though he did it in his own sleeping area. There was something very naturally careful about Stacy, even in his sleep.

He was having some sort of nightmare, something so terrifying he was actually squirming and sweating. I got worried and turned on the light; his expression was pained and he'd balled the sheets in his fists.

"Stacy…" I said, shaking him. I repeated his name three or four times to no avail before shaking him a slight bit violently.

He woke up with a gasp, eyes wide and nervous. I pulled him into my arms, tightly. "You're okay, I've got you, you're okay," I whispered, hushing him.

He nuzzled sleepily into my neck and held onto me like a small child. I sighed and just looked at him, for a moment. Stacy Peralta was normally beautiful, but now he just looked pitiful. He was still a sight to behold, but he looked so small.

We both fell asleep like that, however strange it was for me to be holding him that way. It felt natural, but at the same time, I was used to holding Jay. My arms had a Jay shaped void in them which was currently filled by Stacy, someone I knew I had feelings for. Like I said, though, romantic interests had to be put aside for the sake of the situation.

Wouldn't it be the perfect, cliché thing if we woke up, still clinging to one another, then professed our forbidden feelings for one another over coffee just before going to pick up his father from the hospital, fine and dandy? Yes, well, as I am so often reminded, I live on Earth. I woke up alone, the sheet fitted around me like a cocoon.

"Stacy?" I called, peering around the somewhat familiar corners of his house. He didn't seem to be there at all. I looked around the kitchen and found a note, as I'd suspected I would.

Lily -

Mom called, I had to get to the hospital.

Thank you for everything. I'll call you later.

- Stacy

I concluded that if something had been emergently wrong, he wouldn't have left a note at all. I prayed for a moment, wishing as hard as I could that his father would be alright, that he'd wake up and be on the road to a speedy recovery. To be honest, I didn't pray much. Religion had often eluded me aside from in times of need. Whether that was right or wrong was not up for debate. I only prayed when something was direly important.

I sat in his living room for a while, thinking. It felt strange to be there, alone, but I stayed anyway. The Stacy I'd seen, I'd cared so much for him. I couldn't differ between whether I cared for his situation or for him as a person, but I'd felt so much for him the night before, so much that led to a guilty feeling regarding Jay.

Jay and I had our issues, but he loved me as best as he could understand the word. I doubted my ability to love him back, but I was trying. I knew that I'd made my bed. I suppose that was a stupid way to view something that could be called off easily, but I felt an obligation to stick through whatever happened. At any rate, Stacy wouldn't have the same feelings for me after I had been with Jay, albeit it only two weeks. Like he told me, he wasn't going to wait around forever, and he'd already seemed to have gotten past his little crush on me, having had a date or two.

Plus, I wasn't supposed to care, anymore, right? I'd settled on Jay. I think that was my biggest fear -- that I'd _settled_ on Jay.


	13. A Simple Question

**Thank you all for the positive reviews! I had wrestling practice today and I'm so very sore so this is short, but please enjoy!**

The truth is, petty relationships, whether they are the great love of a person's life or the flimsy moment's obsession, are still grains of sand in the face of true anguish. When I had been with Stacy, the feelings I had for him, though they only grew stronger everyday, were at the back of my mind. I couldn't deny that they existed, but I had to sacrifice my own feelings for the good of others. My, my, don't I sound saintly?

I decided I was going to make that my goal, putting others first. I knew that I had done that with Jay, but I looked back and realized how selfish I'd truly been. I'd very much taken for granted the offer Stacy had presented me when I said yes to Jay, but after having said yes to Jay, I'd made a series of horrible mistakes that involved treating the relationship as though it was years ahead of it's age and like it was a contract. I might even have enjoyed slightly the assumed responsibility of this hypothetical contract. It was wrong and, sitting alone on the beach at sunset with only my thoughts to occupy my time, I knew it.

From that moment on, as I decided I was going to be honest and forthcoming with all the conflict that was going on with me. I knew, though, that I wouldn't keep that up fully with Jay. He wouldn't accept the conflicting ideas of love and relationships and such. It was better that I add a "Excluding Jay" clause to my honesty. I knew that wasn't being honest at all, actually, but I wasn't going to complicate myself further. I was going to give Jay his own brand of honesty by being honest whenever possible.

That time was vastly approaching as I realized I'd have to go home to him at some point after having not done so the night before and leaving no explanation for it. I wasn't sure how he'd feel; I knew that, logically, he should understand why I stayed, but Jay wasn't always the most logical of people. I would omit the detail of sleeping with Stacy in my arms, however.

I began the million mile trek to Jay's house, pondering what words would exactly spell out what I was trying to say. I spent most of the walk convincing myself that I was alright until I was almost sure that he'd see it my way. I had built up that courage by the time I placed my hand on the doorknob, but it seemed to dwindle as I stepped through the door.

I was a little nervous, but I found him, on the couch. He rose to his feet quickly when I came in the door.

"Where've you been?" He demanded, his typically macho, angry self showing through. I frowned. I expected a little more worry from him, I think.

"I was with Stacy. His father was in an accident," I said, solemnly. I sat down on the couch beside where he was sitting moments before.

"That doesn't explain where you were last night," he said, almost in a maternal fashion.

"I stayed with him, he didn't want to be alone," I attempted to explain what I'd done in a way that wouldn't offend his delicate sensibilities or any such thing. There was, however, the legendary flash of rage in his pretty brown eyes. It took away all of the delicacy they held, all of the gentleness.

"You what?!" he roared. I couldn't help but jump a little at his sharp tone.

"Jay…" I said, making yet another stab at peacefulness between us.

"Why in the hell would you do that?" He was not in the mood to hear me out, though I interjected several times in his speech. "God, Lily, you ruined everything!" He was taking news that wasn't even news surprisingly hard.

"Jay," I grabbed his hands, stilling them from running rampant through his hair, "Jay, listen to me…"

"No," he shook my hand off of him, "I don't really give a fuck about what you're trying to say." I was persistent with my attempts at calming him down, but they didn't work.

"Did you sleep with him?" he asked, giving me large, accusatory eyes. I was a little taken back.

"We've never slept together, why would I sleep with him?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"No, did you share a bed with him?" I had hoped that wouldn't come up. I bit my lower lip nervously and nodded.

"O_hh_, fuck," he groaned, seemingly in pain. "How could you?"

"Jay, listen, please," I begged, "His dad nearly died, he just didn't want to be alone. Nothing happened. Nothing _happened_!"

"Oh, yeah, nothing happened at all. You just cuddled up wi --" he stopped mid word. "Almost died?" Those flames of anger disappeared from those chocolate eyes and the depth and softness returned.

"Yeah," I said, sadly, "he was in a car accident. He's in critical condition… I only stayed with Stacy to make sure he was going to be okay."

I gave him the rundown of Stacy's father's condition, but he seemed largely unimpressed with it.

"That's no excuse, Lily," he said, now settling into the far corner of the couch, out of reach, "You didn't _need_ to sleep in the same bed as him!"

I thought that I'd mentally agreed to withhold that tidbit, but hadn't I also agreed to be open, and didn't the two cancel out one another? Either way, I would've been screwed.

"I'm sorry, Jay, but if you'd have seen him… " I trailed off, knowing I was enlisting very little sympathy from him.

"Do you still have feelings for him?" Jay had asked me that on more than one occasion, but this time, he didn't even ask with the grave seriousness that usually surrounded him. This time, his eyes were spiked with a soft, dark hurt.

I examined them, an astonishing feeling of need overwhelming my senses like it always did. I reached out and touched his face. He moved closer to me and allowed me room to rest my head on his chest. He didn't press me for answers anymore at that moment, just held me for a few minutes.

"Lily," he said in a tone that led on to what was coming next, "If you want to be with him, you can go."

I looked at him in disbelief.


	14. Gripping Reality

"Jay," I breathed, flabbergasted at his frankness. It was a side of him that in all of our years together, I'd never seen. It was beautiful but heartbreaking to watch, but like something strange and new, I marveled at it. It was hard to believe he was willingly granting me freedom of choice.

I suppose that I blindly mistook Jay for Peter Pan, the boy who would never grow up. I'd forgotten all the things he'd been through, the things he'd seen and done, and never given them credit for molding him, a little. I'd expected Jay to be fun fun fun, all the time. A never-ending whirlwind of immaturity and lightness. When the word "love" became attached to us, I should've seen that idea shattering.

"If I can't make you happy," he began, looking away from me, "then you can be with whoever the hell can."

I could feel tears stinging my eyes. I was willing myself not to cry, but losing. It felt like the end of an era, the death of the Golden Age for us. It was as though, in that exact moment, I could feel our carefree days falling away from us, leaving us naked and crawling in our skin. I felt helpless to stop it.

"Jay," I repeated, somehow thinking repeating his name again and again would be helpful to one of us. I just couldn't think of any words to say, even though I had so many to choose from.

After a few minutes of painstakingly silent heaviness, he spoke. It was soft and sad, and it couldn't have hurt more if he had stabbed me in the stomach.

"Maybe you should go, Lily."

It was another first in our friendship; even when we'd fought, he'd never asked me to leave before. We'd been in horrific arguments, the worst imaginable for people at the tender age of twelve and on, but we'd always resorted to ignoring one another or duking it out until we got tired of it.

"No, please," I stammered out, not sure what I was begging for. I had no reason to plead, honestly. I had a house to go to and I had to stop by to check in on Stacy later, anyways. But I wanted to leave of my own free will. I didn't want him to want me to go.

"Lily, this just… isn't good right now, okay?" He said, still averting his eyes from mine. I wanted to scream at him, but I didn't know what would be appropriate to scream. I wanted to tell him that, no, I wanted to be with him, but I knew it was only half true. I couldn't keep throwing around his feelings the way I was doing.

"But Jay, just listen to me, please," I said, grabbing his hand in mine. He looked at me with those incredibly sad eyes and said nothing.

_Oh shit, this is him listening, isn't it?_ I didn't have anything planned to say, so imploring him for a chance to be heard might have been a big mistake.

"Jay, I wasn't with him because I want to have a relationship with him," I said, in honesty. "I was with him because he needed someone to be there. He asked me to stay with him, just like you have a million times, and I agreed, just like I did a million times."

Jay processed this bit of information before giving me a look that I can only explain as an indication that something very philosophical is about to fly out of his mouth.

"That's fair enough, even though I had some hope," he said, leaving the comment half finished in my mind.

"Hope for what?" I asked, gently, knowing that I only had about a centimeter of ice below my feet.

"Hope that you'd ever looked at me as more than a friend. I didn't think every time you stayed the night, you looked at me as a friend. I'm not stupid, Lily, I know it's more than that with Stacy," he replied, carefully placing each word in a slow tone.

"Jay, please, don't do this," I said, feeling my tears dry up for some reason. I think fear took the place of sadness and the panicky tears that follow it.

"I'm not doing anything," he said, bitterly and sharply.

"You know, it really fucking hurts to sit here and tell you I love you and then to get this back," he said, that familiar spark of anger in his eyes, only slightly.

"Get what back?" I was having trouble keeping up.

"_This_. You not even being able to say you want to be with _me_. You playing around with me," he explained, laying it out there like it was the most universally known truth ever spoken. I think his words would have stung less if he was pissed off.

"I'm sorry," I said in the smallest voice that I possessed, which was all I could speak in.

"I bet you really are," he said, not a note of sarcasm in his voice, "because you know that I love you and you're still fucking me over. I mean, Lily, what can I do to make you want me?"

It was then that the statement of my tears vanishing retracted itself. I didn't cry, I just felt as though I was on the brink of doing so. I wanted to want Jay, just like I had when I said yes to his offer of dating. When I was with him like that, I didn't think I'd ever find anyone I could be so addicted to. But that's what it seemed to be -- an addiction. When we weren't together, more specifically when I was with Stacy, my attraction seemed more like a common wave length that Stacy and I shared. There wasn't this overpowering, full want with him. It was a soft, easy kind of thing, one I had more control over.

"Well, you know, your little Jayboy will just sit by the phone 'til you get your shit straight, okay? Let me know when you want to stop your fun and games," he said standing up. It was a harsh voice that he rarely used with me and it made me feel small inside. "I just want you to go."

I couldn't fight him on it, that time. I'd been hit pretty hard with what he'd said and if I stayed, I was sure his comments would only cut deeper. I made my way to the door and left him standing in his living room. If I'd had any guts, I'd have kept walking without looking back. I didn't, though, and caught the sight of him standing there, arms folded, looking at the floor.

I didn't have anywhere to go, really. A house with no one else inside is hardly an ideal location for someone who is upset; there's too much space to mope. I definitely had the tendancy to mope a lot when allowed to, so I figured I may as well not go there. I had another couple hours before I needed to check in on Stacy, too. The skies overhead threatened rain with their thick, dark clouds. It'd be perfect surfing if I had someone to go with. Instead, I went to my home away from home, the Zephyr shop. I knew that two of my boys wouldn't be there, and while that left the possibility of a run in with Tony wide open, it was a chance I was willing to take.


	15. Priorities

**You guys are consistently amazing with your reviews and kind words. Thank you all so much! It means absolutely everything to me to see people enjoying my writing. :)**

Skating around aimlessly, on a board that wasn't even mine, I was trying not be commune with my thoughts. I didn't like myself in the least at that moment. It was better that way, anyways. I didn't need to be headstrong and try to argue with Jay. I'm not sure what I was doing was even considered skating., but rather should've been called rolling.

It's perfect when you roll right into someone without thinking, though. Especially when that person is one of the least pleasing people to see, ever, in your opinion.

"Watch where the fuck you're going," I heard a voice say as I landed flat on my butt on the ground. Not just any random voice, though, oh no. The embarrassment of any random voice was not sufficient to punish me. I looked up to meet the face attached to said voice. Tony's wild eyed, wild haired self stared down at me, a spilled coke in his hand, the remainder on his shirt.

_Oh, God!_

"T-Tony… I'm sorry," I stammered, not thinking. He even looked surprised by my making an apology. I pulled myself to my feet and brushed myself off, assessing the damage I'd done by spilling his drink on him.

"Great job, Ingram," he hissed, promptly removing his shirt, which startled me a little. I'd seen Tony shirtless before, granted, but not so suddenly, you could say. Wait, was I really paying that much attention to Tony? I must've been more upset than I initially suspected.

"Kiss my ass, Alva," I said, my voice obviously missing it's usual fire when I insulted him.

"Whatsamatter? You and Jay not patch things up?" He teased. I shot him a very hateful look.

"That's not funny, Tony," I said, more weakly than I should have. Why, hello there, sharks… I'll just cut myself open and bleed in this water, if that's okay with you! He gave me a weak shove and smirked.

"Someone else already ruin your day, princess?" He asked, seeming bored with taunting me, already.

"My day has been beyond ruined," I mumbled, beginning to skate back and forth again. He stuck his foot out and tripped my board, sending me head over feet onto the cement. Seething in pain, I kicked his shin.

"Fucking idiot!" I yelled, holding my knee. Skinned and burning, I blamed him completely.

"Stupid bitch," he shot back. I rolled my eyes again; his insults grew less and less original over time.

"Listen, Alva," I shouted, pushing him and remaining in his face, inches between us, "I don't have the patience for your shit right now. I've got my own shit to deal with as far as Jay goes, and I've spent the night with Stacy, who's father is in the hospital. Unless you_ really_ think you qualify for my pity or attention, stay the fuck out of my way. _Clear_?"

My judgment was obviously not the best, but you have to give me credit for standing my ground. Even he did.

"You've got a lotta balls, Ingram," he said, without budging. "What do you mean Stacy's dad is in the hospital, though?" It was refreshing to know that the worries of their friends mattered to Jay and Tony, no matter how self absorbed the pair could be.

"It's a long story that you shouldn't hear from me. The point is, I don't have time to fight you today, Tony," I said, calming down a bit. I regained some composure and stepped back a few paces.

"You need a ride to Peralta's?" He asked me, looking away in faux nonchalance. I was shocked, utterly. I didn't say anything.

"Well, do you?" He demanded, impatiently. I shook my head. Stacy's was close enough and I didn't need Tony to take me anywhere.

"Good, I'm busy, anyways. I was only asking for him. He likes having you around for some reason." He defended his ever having asked me in the first place.

"Thanks, I guess," I said, still not sure of what was going on with him.

"Later, Ingram."

----

"I don't want to cause you anymore trouble," Stacy said, sitting on his couch with a blanket draped over him. I was making tea in the kitchen, still able to see him through the cut out in the wall. Why was I making tea? Because I was uninspired in the art of care giving and tea seemed like it would soothe him, somewhat.

I brought him a glass in and sat down beside him. He looked like the walking dead; dark circles pooled under his eyes and his skin seemed paler than usual. I just wanted my same old Stacy back.

"You didn't cause me any trouble," I said, faking a smile for his sake. He saw through it quite easily. I'd given him a bit of the back-story about Jay and the fit he threw.

"I know Jay had to have been upset to put you out like that," he said, sadly. I worked harder to sell the smile.

"That's unimportant right now, Stace," I assured him, touching his arm. "How's your dad?"

He shrugged and shook his head. "They expect him to wake up, they really do. They just don't know when." There was a long silence between us that I wasn't willing to be the one to break.

"You don't have to be here," he said. He killed me with that earnest look on his face. I touched his face, but quickly withdrew my hand.

"I know, but you're important."

"You and Jay are important, too. He loves you, Lily," he said, the topic seeming to prove a welcome distraction for him as much as it was proving a delicate issue for me.

"Do we need to talk about this, now?" I asked, gingerly.

"Would you rather talk about my father, laying in a hospital, not even able to breathe for himself? Sorry, but this conversation is much lighter," he said, sharply. I stayed quiet again, never really being prepared from harsh words from Stacy. They just didn't come often enough to be predicted.

"I just don't understand, Lily. What do you see in Jay that you don't see in me?"

"Stacy…" There I went again, saying people's name's like it made a terrible difference in the grand scheme of things. He just continued to look at me with his big, honest blue eyes.

"I see a lot of things in you, Stacy, I do," I said, sitting closer to him, "But I don't think this is a conversation for the here and now. Can we just put all of that behind us, just for now?"

"You know, by being here, you're just going to damage things between you and Jay even further, right?" He sighed and accepted my laying my head on his shoulder.

"If he loves me so much, he'll get over it," I replied, only half sure of the truth in that statement. Jay had looked heartbroken, and yet I still sought solace there next to Stacy, as much to comfort him as myself. I was a mess.

"Lily?" He said, quietly, running a hand through my hair. I grunted in reply as if to ask 'what?'.

"I don't know if you should be here, or if you really want to be here, but I'm glad you are."


	16. Emboldened

**Thank you all! It's been a rough couple of days... I'm working off dial up right now because my DSL fell through. Ick. I'm sore and tired, but I really wanted to give you all something. Thank you for reading! xo**

Stacy and I spent the next hours together, talking and leaning on each other. He didn't have a lot to say regarding his father and had more than his fair share to speak of pertaining to me. He didn't want to speak about his dad, so I didn't make him. I let him transfer his anger to me and all the mess that surrounded us.

"How can you have second thoughts now, Lily?" He asked, me seriously. As much as I was trying to be supportive, being someone's constant scapegoat does get old very quickly. I gritted my teeth and went along with it, though.

I couldn't tell if that was a 'now' as in 'now that you've gotten him so deep into it' or as in 'now that I can't do anything about it'. I tried not to overanalyze it.

"It's hard not to at least entertain possibilities, Stace," I admitted, suddenly feeling like I'd given away more than I'd intended to about the way I was feeling. His face showed that, evidently, I'd said something to spark his interest.

"What possibilities? That's behind us now," he said, not sounding sure of it in the least.

"The possibility of what it would be like with you… Jay is so much different than I thought he would be, and I'd be an idiot not to wonder if I'm making the right choice." I couldn't help myself. That was my least favorite thing about Stacy; he could look at you and just summon information that you were doing your best to keep quiet. It was his way about things.

"You mean made; you wonder if you made the right choice," he corrected me.

"Damn it, Stacy, I'm not married to him," I shouted, feeling a bit boxed in with everyone's decrees of finality between Jay and I. As far as I was concerned, Jay and I were not meant to be the last great thing in each other's lives. I was not done with everything, yet.

"He loves you," he said, as though it changed anything about my statement. "He loves you, and you'd never hurt him."

So he had me, there. Knowingly hurting Jay was something I was almost positively incapable of doing. I would have to have some very impressive logic to reason out doing so. He looked somewhat hurt himself at this statement and at my silence.

"I know you're hurting right now, okay, Stacy? But you're hurting me with the things you're saying," I chided him, ever so gently.

"I just don't understand. I mean, every girl I've dated has said she's never dated a guy like me around here… I've got a job, a car, I'm faithful… I'm pretty much the opposite of Jay," he said, almost arrogantly. I'd never seen the side of Stacy that thought he was better than other people.

"And unlike him," he added, "_I _could keep you."

"Who says Jay can't keep me?" I asked, defensively. He merely rolled his eyes.

"The fact that you're here, and that you were last night, speaks volumes."

"It's not like you'd be with me after all this, anyways, so why worry about it?" I said, voice threatening to rise to a shout.

"Why does everyone think they know what to expect from me? Am I _that_ boring? Am I _that_ predictable?"

"You're _Mr. Do The Right Thing_, Stacy! You'd never recycle your best friends girl…" What was I supposed to say? Stacy was no rebel.

"Maybe I'm sick of doing the right thing, all the time," he spat, rubbing his eyes. "Maybe I get sick of being walked all over like what happened with you and Jay, with Kathy and Jay, with everyone, you know? Maybe I want to do what feels good for once, instead of what's right."

On that note, a somewhat newly liberated Stacy Peralta leaned my way and pressed a rough kiss to my lips. Stunned by the display, I was unable to kiss back, or even to move. It hadn't seemed like a loving kind of kiss, but more of a show of his ability to color outside the lines. I sat quietly for a long time, after that, waiting for some quick, stammering apology.

"Aren't you going to apologize for being rash?" I asked, still dazed. He scoffed at me.

"Lily, I'm sick of apologizing. Jay and Tony can do whatever they want because you expect it from them. But I do something just because I want to, and suddenly it's the end of the world…"

"Stace, I came to console you about your father, and now I feel very guilty for staying," I said, standing up. "I need to go."

"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't want to stay right here with me," he demanded, rising up to eyelevel. I bit my lip.

"I can't," I admitted, after some struggle with myself. He smiled, confidently.

"Then why are you going?"

I swallowed hard, but explained, anyways.

"Because, Stacy, I am with Jay. He isn't perfect… he's a puzzle piece from a whole 'nother box. But the truth is, I've made him believe it's the piece I think fits. And if it doesn't, then I'm going to let someone else have him. I won't do this to Jay, and the Stacy I know wouldn't either. I'll come by tomorrow to check on you again."

That was some speech. Now if this had been a movie or a perfect story, Jay would've miraculously been standing behind me, listening to me. But he wasn't. To find Jay, I had to walk back to his house and ring the doorbell fourteen times. He finally came to the door, bleary eyed.

"What?" he barked. He sounded like he'd been drinking or crying.

"I need to talk to you," I said, softly. I put one foot in the door so he couldn't close it, silently asking if I could come in. He merely threw the door open and retired inside.

"I thought I told you to leave," he said, quietly. I was opting that he hadn't been drinking.

"I needed to stay," I replied, sitting next to him on the couch.

"Why? Stacy turn you down?"

"No, because I realized something… you're my puzzle piece," I said, smiling stupidly. He looked at me like I was on crack, perhaps. "Er, never mind. All that matters is that you know that I can't promise you forever, but I want to be here."

"I want to believe you, Lil," he said, a bittersweet look coming over him. "I really do. But tell me something… did you do anything with Stacy when you stayed the night together?"

I shook my head 'no'.

"What about today?"

I swallowed hard and collected my thoughts. Being kissed didn't necessarily qualify as doing something, right?

"No. I mean, yes. Well, no. Sort of. He kissed me today, but it's just because he doesn't know where his head is at right now, Jay. He's confused," I explained, hoping to appeal to his better minded nature.

"Mother fucker!" He shouted, punching the couch next to me. I yelped a little, irrationally in fear. Jay had never hit me or any other girl in his life, so I wasn't sure why I was afraid.

"You thought… I'd hit you?" He asked, looking more hurt than before. "What the fuck, Lil… I'd never hit you…"

"I know, I know," I said, feeling bad for flinching.

"You kissed Stacy?" He asked moments later, in seeming disbelief. "How could you, Lily?"

"Jay, no, I swear… I didn't kiss him back. There was one kiss, and I didn't initiate it or even want it." That was the honest to God truth. There'd been times I might've succumbed to my weaker, more lustily driven side and wanted to kiss Stacy, but that had not been one of them.

"Why not, if that's obviously what you've wanted?" He asked, sarcastically.

"Because… I didn't want it. I wouldn't hurt you. Plus, I wouldn't hurt him. His mind is with his dad right now, he doesn't understand things too clearly right now," I told him, taking his hand.

For the first time since we'd started dating, I didn't wait for Jay to begin a kiss. Shaking inexplicably with nerves, I brushed my lips against his. It wasn't the best kiss, but he appreciated the gesture for what it was; a gesture of affirmation.

"You didn't want to kiss him?"

"I didn't want to kiss him."


End file.
